Tag: therapist

My son has the problem, yet the therapist focuses on me, huh?

My son has the problem, yet the therapist focuses on me, huh?

Question:   My son’s therapist keeps telling me what to do, or that I’m not doing the right things at home.  But my son is the one with the problem, why all this focus on me?

Answer:
   You could be the problem or the therapist could be the problem.  You are working hard to manage a difficult situation, and you clearly care about your son because you are bringing him to therapy, but your own stress and exhaustion may look like you’re the one with the behavior problem.  My guess is that the therapist is trying to tell you how to change your parenting or communication style to reduce your son’s stress and better manage his issues.  This is a hard message to take when you know you’re doing everything you can, and you’ve been put through a lot by a difficult child.

Someone who doesn’t know me is telling me I’m not good enough?  What?

How can you tell it’s the therapist with the problem?

  • One problem I’ve seen with therapists is that they often don’t know how to talk to parents about parenting issues without sounding like they are making presumptions and blaming the parent for the child’s problems.  Everyone loves to blame the parents.
  • Some therapists put themselves in the child’s shoes.  That’s why they got into child therapy in the first place, they love children!  Yet pro-child therapists put their emotional biases in the mix to protect your child from you.  This ridiculous attitude is changing, thankfully. The mental health profession has begun to realize how critical the family is for the child’s treatment.
  • The worst situation is when a therapist embarrasses you or blames you in front of your child.  That’s grounds for firing them!  You may indeed need parenting guidance, but you should never have someone undermine your authority.
  • Another problem is when a therapist doesn’t have children, or doesn’t have troubled children.  They feel too confident in their abilities and don’t know what it’s like living with a troubled child 24/7, so they make assumptions and you constantly feel you need to defend yourself.

A good therapist or doctor will show compassion for a stressed parent, listen to their side of the story, and help the parent feel understood and believed.  Then they will take the time to explain exactly what the parent might do differently at home and why.

You should leave every meeting feeling better about yourself and child.

Try giving this therapist a chance first, and ask him or her if you can meet them without your son, and request that they fully explain their advice.  Let them know that this has been hard for you and you’ve felt blamed, and that you need their support.  Then listen carefully.  If you’re still not convinced of their point, ask them if there’s a book or a website or support group for you (it’s easier to accept advice from other parents who’ve learned from their mistakes).  If you feel that you can’t work with this therapist, consider finding someone who takes a better approach to you and your situation.

You and your child have to “click” with a therapist or doctor, or they can’t help you.

Is your child’s psychiatrist listening to you?

Is your child’s psychiatrist listening to you?

True story:

After a lengthy 2-hour session and a series of questions asked of both mother and teenaged son, the psychiatrist wrote:  “the mother is over exaggerating her son’s behavior.  He can’t possibly have all the symptoms she describes.”  Later, the mother said, “I was completely ignored; this doctor affirmed [my son’s] disrespect for me, in front of me, and [my son] got the idea I was full of it and didn’t need to take his meds.”  With the mother’s authority undermined, she lost an opportunity to get treatment for her son sooner.  He was eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia, and hospitalized several times.

 

What makes this situation tragic is that early medication, prior to the first psychotic break, prevents the loss of gray matter that occurs in schizophrenia.  This doctor’s unprofessional and judgmental behavior hurt the recovery prospects for this family.  This kind of dismissal of parents should never happen.  I’ve heard many complain that doctors, therapists, or teachers don’t listen to them, or that they subtly or overtly blame parents for their child’s problems.  Researchers found this to be widely true.  In an article titled “Uncharted Waters – The Experience of Parents of Young People with Mental Health Problems,” the author writes:

 

“Parents’ distress is exacerbated by their need for expertise, but from those who don’t take their concerns seriously.”

Harden, J, 2005. Qualitative Health Research, 15(2), 207-223.

 

I always appeared to be overly upset and stressed whenever I brought my child to see her psychiatrist because, leading up to any appointment, were a series of challenges and acts of resistance that were stressful and frustrating.  It appeared to the psychiatrist, time and time again, that I was the problem… just like she suspected.  All I could do was sit in the waiting room while my daughter was in session, and imagine my daughter saying terrible things about me and the doctor believing her.  All I could do was wonder if the psychiatrist could see through it all and know that I, the mom, was doing everything possible to help my daughter, that I was a good parent. Could the doctor see this and give me some hope?

 

Don’t accept being treated as anything less than a full partner.

 

Insist that the whole family get time with the psychiatrist, without the troubled child or teen, to check-in and see how everyone is doing.  Make the appointment and tell the doctor why.  Your family needs to say things they wouldn’t ordinarily say when the child is around.  They need to open up secrets and let out difficult feelings without the fear of setting off an explosion later.  The doctor needs a full picture of the child’s life at home, and use this as an opportunity to help the family work through challenges in ways that support everyone’s well being.

 

Insist on being told what to expect.  Another common experience is that parents are not told what to expect from treatment or why.  You need to know everything they know, even if the professionals are still unclear about a diagnosis or treatment approach.  Your child may have many physiological or psychological tests, expensive medications, or visits to many different kinds of ‘ologists’, and you may still not be clear on where the inquiry is going, why, and what the doctors or therapists are looking for.

 

Insist that they consider your daily experiences.  Since a psychiatrist observes your child only during an appointment, they aren’t fully aware of the types of situations that aggravate your child’s behavior.  You are the expert on your child and their behavior patterns; you are the expert on what drives them, and on what drives them crazy.  You know that, behind-the-scenes, much of what your child does is easily missed by a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist.  An experienced professional will listen to you and ask more questions.  You should expect them to seek clarity on your child instead of assuming they already know everything about them and your family.

 

Team up.  It takes both you and the psychiatrist working together, in partnership, to identify all the symptoms that lead to a working diagnosis.  You and the psychiatrist are a team that works together to do what’s best for your child.  And don’t forget, since you have all the responsibilities, your needs must always be considered when a doctor is developing a treatment plan.

 

–Margaret

What have your experiences been?  Your comments inform others who read this article.

Parent to Parent Guidance

Parent to Parent Guidance

Margaret Puckette is a Certified Parent Support Provider, and assists parents on how to effectively raise their troubled child. She believes parents need realistic practical guidance for family life and school, not just information about disorders. Margaret has mentored families for over 20 years. She is an author & speaker, and knows from personal experience there is reason for hope.

You Can Handle This.

You Can Handle This.

You are not alone. It's no one's fault. Behavior disorders are disabilities! Troubled children need a very different parenting approach than 'normal' kids.

Care for yourself first, then set new goals:
1. Physical and emotional safety for all
2. Acceptance of the way things are
3. Family balance, meet the needs of all
4. One step at a time, one day at a time

Practical Guide for Parents

Practical Guide for Parents

A guide with practical steps for reducing stress at home and successfully raising a troubled child. You use the same proven techniques as mental health and other professionals. It starts by taking care of your wellbeing first, then taking an entirely different approach to parenting.
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