Tag Archives: parenting troubled children

The good things about bad kids

The good things about bad kids 13 votes

Take an average car.  If a salesman calls the car a “cherry”, it means it’s in perfect condition. But if a salesman calls the same car a “lemon”, it means it has expensive mechanical problems.  The name means everything to a buyer, true or not.

See strengths

If you apply the same concept to your child, it will change the way you think about and treat him or her. You’ve been enduring  disturbed or stressful behavior–this is glaringly obvious–but notice the “cherry” behaviors when you are getting relief from the “lemons.”   What’s great about him or her?  Even problematic behaviors are strengths in some circumstances.  For example: resistance and wilfulness are good survival traits for the future:

  1. Your child will need to resist being taken advantage of.
  2. He or she will need to resist ‘friends’ who pressure them to use drugs.
  3. Your child will need to stick with schoolwork or a job without the distractions of parties or alcohol or other time bandits.

Mom carries this in her purse, always.

Make a list of ‘awesome-ness’

What is your child or teen good at?  When is he or she at their best?  What character “flaw” is actually a good thing?  What shows intelligence, nimble thinking, a sense of right and wrong, athletic prowess, social maturity, artistic depth, or compassion for those who are vulnerable?

It’s not important to know why they have problems.   It’s important to know why they will overcome them.

An overwhelmed mom once asked for help with her adult son and daughter. They were still not ready for adulthood, in fact, they were both falling apart.  They needed her more than she could handle emotionally.  After she shared all her concerns, I asked her to list what was great about them.  It took her off guard at first, but she scribbled out a few things and kept the list, and many months later pulled it out to show me that she still referred to it. She said it totally changed her mindset.

Instead of concentrating on your child’s weaknesses, help your child master existing strengths.

Allow your child ample time to do the positive things he or she is already good at, the things that bring out self-esteem and confidence.  Proactively provide the materials and time to attend a class or camp, join a team, write poetry, make art or music, train the dog, style a friend’s hair… anything he or she can be proud of that has value for their future.  Your child’s behavior will improve, and your mutual interactions will improve.

Use the positive power of self-fulfilling prophecy

In her list , my friend wrote that her daughter had compassion for people and wanted to make the world a better place.  What would you suggest this mother do to support her 24-year-old daughter’s interests and strengths?  One idea:  tell her daughter she believed she would be “a natural” at this.  Another idea:  encourage her daughter to get involved in a charity organization.  And the daughter did.

Lets take another situation where your troubled son plays online video games to the exclusion of all else.  What do you see?  Rapid mental processing, hand-eye coordination, focus, a passion for technology.  If you feel you must limit the video-gaming, what can you replace it with?  There are robot kits for kids; he could build a robot and program its behavior.  A remote control helicopter could be given an obstacle course to go through.  Perhaps the obstacles are altered to make them harder to get through.  Perhaps there’s a reward for getting through a really difficult course.  Use your imagination, and ask your son to do the same.  Collaborate.  It’s a much better form of interaction and it plays to his natural gifts and interests.

It’s a disability, that’s why they can’t be good at everything

Make a point of noticing the good side. They ALL HAVE A GOOD SIDE.

Let’s be realistic, some children with serious mental health problems may never be well-rounded or competent in the many subjects and skills they need for adulthood.  (It is the tragedy of their disability.)  If this is your child, they’ll probably do better in the long run if not pressured to overcome their weaknesses with extra classwork, homework, or incessant behavioral modifications.  Your son or daughter can catch up later, or if they can’t, they at least have something to carry with them into adulthood.

Now about YOU

What are YOUR strengths as a person and as a parent?

  1. You care enough to go online and learn how to be a better parent.
  2. You admit that you need help, and you know how to find it.
  3. (now add your own… and be generous with yourself)
  4.         “
  5.         “
  6.         “

How am I doing?  Please rate this article above, thanks. Five stars would be really nice.

–Margaret

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Filed under mental illness, parenting, teens

Good messages for siblings (and parents) of a troubled child or teen

Good messages for siblings (and parents) of a troubled child or teen 4 votes

Your other children already know something is terribly wrong, and they deserve to hear the truth from you.

Most are old enough. They see other children in school and discover other families are nicer, so they don’t talk about their own. They are afraid to bring friends over to visit because of how their troubled brother or sister behaves–pestering them, upsetting them–then those friends talk about it with fellow students and their own parents. Word gets out about your family and people form opinions, especially teachers.

Siblings also feel unsafe and insecure. They never know what’s going to happen! Tell them the truth and trust them to understand and appreciate your candor.

  • You cannot cure a mental disorder for a sibling.
  • No one is to blame for the illness.
  • No one knows the future; your sibling’s symptoms may get worse or they may improve, regardless of your efforts.
  • If you feel extreme resentment, you are giving too much.
  • It is as hard for the ill sibling to accept the disorder as it is for you.
  • Separate the person from the disorder.
  • It is not OK for you to be neglected. You have emotional needs and wants, too. The needs of the ill person do not always come first.
  • The illness of a family member is nothing to be ashamed of.
  • You may have to revise your expectations of your sibling. They may never be ‘normal’ but it’s OK.
  • Acknowledge the remarkable courage your sibling may show when dealing with a mental disorder. Have compassion, they suffer and face a difficult life.
  • Strange or upsetting behavior is a symptom of the disorder. Don’t take it personally.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask your sibling if he or she is thinking about hurting him or herself. Suicide is real.
  • If you can’t care for yourself, you can’t care for another.
  • It is important to have boundaries and to set clear limits. You should expect your sibling to show respect for others.
  • It is natural to experience many and confusing emotions such as grief, guilt, fear, anger, sadness, hurt, confusion, and more. You, not the ill person, are responsible for your own feelings.
  • You are not alone. Sharing your thoughts and feelings in a support group has been helpful and enlightening for many.
  • Eventually you may see the silver lining in the storm clouds: your own increased awareness, sensitivity, receptivity, compassion, and maturity. You may become less judgmental and self-centered, a better person.

Excerpted from “Coping Tips for Siblings and Adult Children of Persons with Mental Illness,” from the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 2001, www.nami.org.

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Filed under mental illness, Siblings, troubled children