Tag: parent blaming

Typical parenting mistakes – 9 ways we make things worse

Typical parenting mistakes – 9 ways we make things worse

Good parenting means knowing what NOT to do as a parent.

Hey, it’s hard not to lose your cool with some children.  And once you do, you may feel guilty or a failure as a parent.  (There’s no manual for ‘normal’ kids either!)  You deserve credit for trying to be better.  The easiest way to improve your parenting is to know what’s wrong first.

1…Treat your child or teen like another adult who knows how to behave appropriately and has memorized the rules, even the unspoken ones.  Answer your child’s frustrations (with you) by offering explanations that show how reasonable you are.

2…Find fault with your child and let them know about it over and over again.  If they do something positive, let them know it’s not enough.  Let your tone of voice reveal how frustrated, angry, stressed or resigned you feel because of them.

3…Pretend your child has no reason for their behavior.  Ignore his or her unique mental health needs or the challenges they may face.  Are they being picked on at school or by a sibling?  Do they fear abandonment?  Are they stressed about an upcoming event?  Is your home too chaotic?

4…Make rules and only enforce them once in a while, or have the consequence come later than the misbehavior (“I’ll get to you later.”  “This is punishment for what you did this morning.”).

5…Don’t treat your child appropriately for his or her age.  Make long explanations to a three year old about why you’ve set a certain rule.  Assume a teen wants to be just like you.

6…Expect your child to logically, rationally accept your reasonable rules.  Parents expect common sense from children who are too young to reason (3 or 4), or from teens or young adults (up to early 20’s) who have a long track record of doing things that don’t make sense.

7…Keep trying the same things that still don’t work.  Like repeating yourself, talking at them rather than with them, or screaming.  (Don’t be embarrassed if you’ve screamed; we’ve all done this.)

8…Jump to conclusions that demonize your child.  “You’ll do anything to get your way,” or “You are so manipulative and deceitful,” or “You don’t listen to me on purpose,”  “I’m tired of your selfishness…”

9…Make them responsible for your feelings.  If you lose your cool because you’re stressed and blow up over something they did, insist they do the apologizing after they react poorly.

 

–Margaret

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My son has the problem, yet the therapist focuses on me, huh?

My son has the problem, yet the therapist focuses on me, huh?

Question:   My son’s therapist keeps telling me what to do, or that I’m not doing the right things at home.  But my son is the one with the problem, why all this focus on me?

Answer:
   You could be the problem or the therapist could be the problem.  You are working hard to manage a difficult situation, and you clearly care about your son because you are bringing him to therapy, but your own stress and exhaustion may look like you’re the one with the behavior problem.  My guess is that the therapist is trying to tell you how to change your parenting or communication style to reduce your son’s stress and better manage his issues.  This is a hard message to take when you know you’re doing everything you can, and you’ve been put through a lot by a difficult child.

Someone who doesn’t know me is telling me I’m not good enough?  What?

How can you tell it’s the therapist with the problem?

  • One problem I’ve seen with therapists is that they often don’t know how to talk to parents about parenting issues without sounding like they are making presumptions and blaming the parent for the child’s problems.  Everyone loves to blame the parents.
  • Some therapists put themselves in the child’s shoes.  That’s why they got into child therapy in the first place, they love children!  Yet pro-child therapists put their emotional biases in the mix to protect your child from you.  This ridiculous attitude is changing, thankfully. The mental health profession has begun to realize how critical the family is for the child’s treatment.
  • The worst situation is when a therapist embarrasses you or blames you in front of your child.  That’s grounds for firing them!  You may indeed need parenting guidance, but you should never have someone undermine your authority.
  • Another problem is when a therapist doesn’t have children, or doesn’t have troubled children.  They feel too confident in their abilities and don’t know what it’s like living with a troubled child 24/7, so they make assumptions and you constantly feel you need to defend yourself.

A good therapist or doctor will show compassion for a stressed parent, listen to their side of the story, and help the parent feel understood and believed.  Then they will take the time to explain exactly what the parent might do differently at home and why.

You should leave every meeting feeling better about yourself and child.

Try giving this therapist a chance first, and ask him or her if you can meet them without your son, and request that they fully explain their advice.  Let them know that this has been hard for you and you’ve felt blamed, and that you need their support.  Then listen carefully.  If you’re still not convinced of their point, ask them if there’s a book or a website or support group for you (it’s easier to accept advice from other parents who’ve learned from their mistakes).  If you feel that you can’t work with this therapist, consider finding someone who takes a better approach to you and your situation.

You and your child have to “click” with a therapist or doctor, or they can’t help you.

You Can Handle This.

You Can Handle This.

You are not alone. It's no one's fault. Behavior disorders are disabilities! Troubled children need a very different parenting approach than 'normal' kids.

Care for yourself first, then set new goals:
1. Physical and emotional safety for all
2. Acceptance of the way things are
3. Family balance, meet the needs of all
4. One step at a time, one day at a time

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