My son has the problem, yet the therapist focuses on me, huh?

My son has the problem, yet the therapist focuses on me, huh?

 

Question:   My son’s therapist keeps telling me what to do, or that I’m not doing the right things at home.  But my son is the one with the problem, why all this focus on me?

 

 

Answer:   You are working hard to manage a difficult situation, and you clearly care about your son because you are bringing him to therapy, but your own stress and exhaustion may cause you to aggravate his behavior even though you don’t intend to.  My guess is that the therapist is trying to tell you how to change your parenting or communication style so that your son’s stress is reduced.  This can be a hard message to take when you know you’re doing everything you can, plus you can’t be sure your son is honest in session.

 

The problem I’ve seen with therapists is that they often don’t know how to talk to parents about parenting issues without sounding like they are making presumptions and blaming the parent for the child’s problems.  A good therapist or doctor will show compassion for a stressed parent, and listen to their side of the story.  Then take the time to explain exactly what the parent might do differently, and why.

 

Try giving this therapist a chance first, and ask him or her if you can meet without your son present, and request that they fully explain the reasoning behind their advice.  Let them know that this has been hard for you and you’ve felt blamed, and that you need their support.  Then listen carefully.  If you’re still not convinced of their point, ask them for the title of a book that you can read in privacy and decide for yourself if it applies to you.  Another way to check is to find a parents’ group if one is available, and hear how other parents deal with a challenging child.  If none of your efforts clarify things for you, and if you feel that you can’t work with this therapist, you might consider finding someone who has a better approach to your situation.

 

3 Replies to “My son has the problem, yet the therapist focuses on me, huh?”

  1. Had the same difficulty years ago with my daughters therapist. We could just not comminuicate with her therapist, even in private meetings. He always seemed to be judging and blaming, but we didn’t have a real lot of information since she was a teenager at the time.

    What I did not do then, but I do now that she’s older ( she still has problems ) is we have our own therapist. He is able to teach my husband and I how to handle our own reactions to her, to keep our boundries, and educate us on her condition and her behavior. It’s a safe place to vent our frustrations, I would recommend it. There is no judgment there, i promise!

  2. I agree that therapist should practice their way of talking to a parents bout children behavior problem. They should not sound blaming the parents instead they may sound like having sympathy with the problem and giving a friendly advice.

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Parent to Parent Guidance

Parent to Parent Guidance

Margaret Puckette is a Certified Parent Support Provider, and helps parents with tailored advice for raising their troubled child, teen, or young adult. She is a parent who understands that parents and families need realistic practical guidance for maintaining their lives without stress. Margaret has coached and mentored families for over 20 years. She is an author & speaker, and believes parent & family support is essential. Mentally healthy parents with the right skills raise mentally healthy children.

You Can Handle This.

You Can Handle This.

You are not alone. Your situation is no one's fault. Behavior disorders are disabilities!
Troubled children need a very different parenting approach than 'normal' kids.

Care for yourself first, then set new goals:
1. Physical and emotional safety for all
2. Acceptance of the way things are
3. Family balance, meet the needs of all
4. One step at a time, one day at a time

Practical Guide for Parents

Practical Guide for Parents

A guide with practical steps for reducing stress at home and successfully raising a troubled child. You use the same proven techniques as mental health and other professionals. It starts by taking care of your wellbeing first, then taking an entirely different approach to parenting.
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