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ARE YOU OVERREACTING?

Because of the stress of their challenging child, many parents will go to extremes to control situations so they won't get out of hand.  They don't intend to go overboard, but so much frustration has built up that any little irritation sets them off on a battle for control. Overreactions are emergency alarms without the emergency. All of a sudden, an overstressed parent is on a mission to fix, contain, punish, or halt anything that upsets their sense of well being, imagined or not. But if a parent is overreacting to gain control, they are actually losing control of a situation that needs a thoughtful decision instead of an automatic 911 call. When your alarm bells go off, you arenot aware of how your behavior creates a toxic environment around you and the rest of your family... nor how it worsens a troubled kid's behavior.

• Are you so stressed and traumatized that you just can't stand it anymore and want your child to stop misbehaving now, immediately, yesterday?
• Do you desperately need support from others?  Do you seek lots of attention by telling your story?  Are you playing a victim or martyr to get sympathy?
• Since you've tried everything over and over and nothing has worked, do you just behave like your child and battle it out?

It's common for parents with really difficult kids to get stuck in this way, so forgive yourself if you overreact.  Instead, stop and look at what this does to your relationship and interactions with your troubled child.

• If you'll do anything to make your child stop a challenging behavior, might you go too far with little things?  Will you call the police because they slammed the door, or will you strike them because they slammed the door?
• If you need sympathy and attention, will you share so much personal information about your child, that your child starts hearing about it from others?  How will this make them feel? When others hear you constantly complaining, might they consider that the problem is you?
• Do you mirror your child's bad behavior to show them what it looks like?  Are they interpreting this the way you hope, or are you lowering yourself?

Overreactions sabotage opportunities for improvement.  They terrify everyone. Family members may start to hide things from you, or downplay things, just so you won't overreact.  Family members will feel a need to keep secrets, and to hide what they think or know from you.  Someone takes sides against you to counterbalance the negativity. Now you feel less in control.

If you are exhausted, or lash out as a way of coping, you have a textbook case of stress and/or depression.  Before you completely lose control, and lose your respect, and your rightful authority as a parent, take care of yourself and get help for both your physical and emotional exhaustion.  Always, always ensure you are emotionally centered and healthy, or you will never be able to help your child become healthy.

Remember, your child and family needs you to be 100% together. Some things should be let go for the greater peace. You need to notice when your child is doing well and offer praise; you need to be flexible, patient, compassionate, and forgiving. And if you can't acquire all the other traits of sainthood, at least give yourself a break and scale back your reactions.

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