Category Archives: teens

Gang up on your kids: Parent networks for tracking at-risk children.

Gang up on your kids: Parent networks for tracking at-risk children.
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 An article in the local paper told the story of a mother who desperately tried to get help for her son to keep him out of a gang.  Yet he became a victim of a drive-by shooting and was in intensive care for days, but he lived.  In the article, she said something I’m very familiar with; she said other parents never told her what they suspected, nor let her know if her son was at their house when he ran away.  Just knowing her son’s whereabouts could have helped her intercept dangerous activities.  Like her, I never got information from other parents who might have been (or should have been) concerned about my child.  Why didn’t other parents stay in touch and help each other control their children?

 

At-risk kids hang out together, they know each other’s stories (true or not), and protect each other, and parents are out of the loop with their families.  What if parents got together too, shared stories, and supported each other’s goal of protecting their child from themselves?  Kids’ unsafe plans and activities are no match for the many eyes and ears (and cleverness and wisdom) of all their parents combined.

 

How to track at-risk kids and join forces with other parents:

 

Go on the Web, check out Facebook and MySpace, and look for your child’s page and the pages of his or her friends.  The police do this all the time; it’s one of their main investigative tools!  It’s amazing what they share with each other over the web:  photos, favorite places and people, favorite activities (even illegal ones), and other incriminating information.

 

Contact the parents or caregivers of your child’s friends, by phone or email anytime you find out that their child or teen was with your own child while doing unsafe activities.

 

I did this.  Some parents were thrilled to find support, but a couple were angry with me at first.  After all, I was delivering bad news.  They defended their child, or accused my child of telling stories.  I just said, “I thought you’d want to know.  My kid is in trouble for this, but you may want to know your kid was involved too.”  It took some backbone to stay online, but they eventually calmed down and expressed disappointment in their child.  They often hadn’t suspected anything.  Then I asked if we could join-up and inform on each other’s kids because I wanted to know about the safety of my own.  Always, I received a strong yes.

 

Compare notes and share news about friends, friends of friends, which houses were dangerous (e.g. adult not at home, or adult provides drugs or alcohol), which places they hang out, and who might victimize them or be victimized by them.

 

Call a teacher and ask who your child hangs out with at school, or if they know another parent who is worried about their kid, call that parent and make a pact to keep each other informed.  Whether they help you or not, at least they know someone’s watching and paying attention.

 

True story – One mother I know recruited a “spy network” with her son’s friends’ parents and with employees of businesses he regularly frequented, such as a skateboard shop near his school and a coffee house.  She was able to keep track of where he was if he ignored her curfews, and inform the community police of adult associates (usually 18-24) who were known to provide drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes to youth.  Her information helped empower other parents who hadn’t known what to do, but were then able to restrict their teen’s activities away from home and make it uncomfortable for unsafe people to associate with them.

 

True story – A father I met took the “spy network” idea a step further and had contact cards, like business cards, which he gave away to police, teachers, other parents, and anyone he met who knew his daughter.  The contact cards basically said “Please help us keep Kari safe and call us, her parents, anytime she is at the following places [ … ] or doing something you believe is inappropriate.  Thank you very much for your help.  We will keep your calls confidential from our daughter.”  Then the card gave the parents’ names, number, and email address.  This greatly limited their daughter’s contact with unsafe or inappropriate friends and adults, because they knew they might be watched and reported if she was around.  Surprisingly, this attention improved the girl’s progress in family therapy, as she stated she felt more like her parents cared.

 

Word gets out quickly among the groups of at-risk kids and the adults who enable them.  If you let enough people know that they may be watched when at-risk kids are around, then they will avoid these kids and even ask them to leave their company.  Don’t forget:  you are smarter and more experienced than young people.  You, as a parent, are not alone with your concerns about your child.

 

Reach out to the other parents in your community.  You will be surprised how many will thank you.

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Troubled Teen Industry – Legislation to stop abuse in boarding schools and camps

Troubled Teen Industry – Legislation to stop abuse in boarding schools and camps
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There is good news about stopping abuses in the Troubled Teen Industry.  Today, February 11, 2009, a committee in the House of Representatives voted to present a bill, H.R. 911, to the House for a vote.  You may be interested in the remarks made by the committee chair below.

 

SEE MY PREVIOUS POST ON THIS SUBJECT FROM JAN 26, ’09:

with tips for how to check if a program is legitimate.

 

(excerpt)  Remarks of the Honorable George Miller Chairman, House Education and Labor Committee regarding the Stop Child Abuse in Residential Programs for Teens Act Wednesday, February 11, 2009.  H.R. 911

 

Today, our committee considered legislation to stop child abuse in residential programs for teenagers and ordered it reported to the House.  It builds on a two year investigation into the shocking abuse and neglect of teens at residential programs across the country.  The Government Accountability Office uncovered thousands of cases and allegations of child abuse in recent years at teen residential programs, including therapeutic boarding schools, boot camps, wilderness camps, and behavior modification facilities.  A number of these cases resulted in the death of a child. Our committee heard stories about program staff members forcing children:

 

–  to remain in so-called “stress” positions for hours at a time;

 

–  to undergo extreme physical exertion without adequate food, water, or rest;

 

–  to stand with bags over their heads and nooses around their necks in mock hangings;

 

–  and to eat foods to which they are allergic, even as they get sick.

 

Bob Bacon, whose son Aaron died after being deprived of adequate food and water at a wilderness therapy program, told this committee last year, “The stories of Aaron’s death and the others who have died, or survived the abuses of these programs, are chilling reminders of the dangers of absolute power, and point out the extremely high risks we take in allowing these programs to operate without strict regulation and oversight.”

 

We heard from parents of children who died preventable deaths at the hands of untrained, uncaring staff members.  We heard from adults who attended these programs as teens about the physical and emotional abuse they witnessed and suffered.  We also learned about the weak patchwork of regulations governing teen residential programs.

 

Parents often send their children to these programs when they feel they have exhausted their alternatives.  They trust that these programs and their staff will be able to help children straighten their lives out.  In far too many cases, however, the very people entrusted with the safety, health, and welfare of these children are the ones who violate that trust in some of the most horrific ways imaginable.  The GAO informed us about programs’ irresponsible operating practices that put kids at risk, and about the deceitful marketing practices that programs use to lure parents desperate for help for their kids.  We know that there are many programs and people around the country who are committed to helping improve the lives of young people and who do good work every day.  But unfortunately, it can be extremely difficult for parents to tell the good programs from the bad.

 

H.R. 911 requires the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to establish minimum standards and to enforce those standards. Ultimately, however, states will be responsible for carrying out the work of this bill:

 

–   within three years, set standards and enforce them at all programs, both public and private.

–   standards will include prohibitions on the physical, sexual, and mental abuse of children.

–   …will require that programs provide children with adequate food, water and medical care.

–   …require that programs have plans in place to handle medical emergencies.

–   include new training requirements for program staff members, including training on how to identify and report child abuse.

–   set up a toll-free hotline for people to call to report abuse at these programs.

–   create a website with information about each program, so that parents can look to see if substantiated cases of abuse have occurred at a program that they are considering for their kids.

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RED ALERT – Crisis plans for troubled kids

RED ALERT – Crisis plans for troubled kids
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 Don’t let your family become emotionally battered when your troubled child or teen goes through one crisis after another.  It’s the last thing your family needs—more stress and exhaustion!  Since your main job as a parent or caregiver is to reduce stress, you must manage the inevitable emergencies in a way that quickly settles down your family, as well as get help for your child.  Are you prepared to head off a crisis when you see one coming?  Does your family have a plan for when (not if) your troubled child has a mental health emergency that puts everyone or everything in danger?

I got my crisis plan idea from the “red alert” scenes on Star Trek, when red lights flash and an alarm sounds, and crewmembers drop everything and run to their stations with clear instructions for protecting the ship.

 

Think of your family as crewmembers that pull together when someone sounds the Red Alert because your child is becoming dangerously out of control.  Each family member should know ahead of time what to do and have an assigned role, and each should know they will be backed up by the rest of the family.  This will be tremendously reassuring to everyone.  Together, you can manage through a crisis, reduce the dangers, and ensure everyone is cared for afterwards.

 

Have a crisis plan for the home, the workplace, and the school

…and start by asking questions.  Here are some examples:

 

o        Who goes out and physically searches for a runaway?  This person should be able to bring the child back to school or home without mutual endangerment, and they should know how to work with police or community members.

 

o        Who gets on the phone and calls key people for help?  Who do they call, the police or a neighbor or a relative?  Does your town or city have a crisis response team for kids?  Some do.

 

o        Who should be appointed to communicate with the child?  This should be a family member or friend that the child trusts more than the others.

 

o        Can a sibling leave to stay at someone else’s house until things cool down at home?  Which house?  An escape plan for a sibling can protect them and, just a little, help them manage their own stress.

 

o        Who should step in and break up a fight?  And what specifically should they do or say each time to calm the situation?  Believe it or not, your troubled child can often tell you what works best and what makes things worse.  Listen to them.  It doesn’t have to sound rational to you if it works to calm them down quickly.

 

o        How should a time-out work?  Who counts to 10, or who can leave the house and go out for a walk?  Which room can someone run to to feel safe and be left alone for a while?

 

o        What should teachers or co-workers do to calm down a situation and get their classroom or office back to normal as quickly as possible? 

 

Experiences and evidence has shown that a rapid cooling down of emotions and rapid reduction of stress hormones in the brain supports resilience—the ability to bounce back in a tough situation.  Your entire family needs resilience, not just your troubled child.

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The Troubled Teen Industry – A warning about boarding schools and outdoor camps

The Troubled Teen Industry – A warning about boarding schools and outdoor camps
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There is a troubled teen industry out there—boarding schools, outdoor programs, and “boot camps” that are not licensed, not certified, and not experienced with youth with disorders.  Maybe you’ve seen the ads that promise to improve your teen’s behavior in the back of some magazines.  They promise that their program will “fix” your child.  They promise that your teen will learn important lessons about respect and about following your rules.  There are quotes from satisfied parents about how the program saved their teen’s life.  The ads claim that staff are highly trained, strict, and caring.  The location is usually too far to check on easily, an airline flight away from home, often in a rural area.  The cost is outlandish.  To help with payment, the program provides financial advice to parents about getting loans and 2nd mortgages.

 

You’re a desperate parent and you’ll do anything you can to stop the craziness and get a break.  You tell yourself it must be a nice place even though you haven’t seen it in person, yet the representative on the phone seems to know exactly how you feel and what your teen needs.  If you’re desperate, you may not think to ask if the organization is a legitimate mental health treatment facility.  Many are not!

 

What to ask:

 

What is the training and licensure of staff?  You want to know if they have therapists with MSW degrees, registered nurses, psychiatrists or doctors, and if a professional is available on site 24/7.  Mental health programs are about treatment and stability through medication or therapy, and positive activities with lots of emotional support.  Safety must be paramount.  Staff must be aware of the types of things that can go wrong and how crises should be handled.

 

Does the camp or school have a business license in their state?  Do they have grievance procedures?

 

Is the camp or school accredited as a treatment facility, and by whom?  Does it have mental health agency oversight?  Are emergency services (hospital, law enforcement) a phone call away?

 

Can you call and talk to your child when you request?  Can you visit?  Can your child call you when they request it?  Some of these programs limit or disallow parental contact.  Why?  According to one testimonial, a young man was used as slave labor at a camp.  The staff kept communicating to his mother that he was misbehaving, that he hated her and didn’t want to talk, and that they recommended he stay another 6 months.  In this way, they drew out his stay for 3 years.

 

I’ve heard personal testimony from parents and troubled young people whose condition was aggravated by the camp or school, or who felt betrayed by their families.  On rare occasions, children have died at the hands of young, untrained staff who thought they were just disciplining the child.  Other stories included teens being offered drugs by staff or other campers, or sexual relationships with staff or campers.

 

Check out the article below.  The problems in the “troubled teen industry” are significant enough such that an advocacy group has formed to change state laws to protect youth.

 

– – – – –

 

 

Unlicensed residential programs: The next challenge in protecting youth. –excerpt-

 

By Friedman, Robert M.; Pinto, Allison; Behar, Lenore; Bush, Nicki; Chirolla, Amberly; Epstein, Monica; Green, Amy; Hawkins, Pamela; Huff, Barbara; Huffine, Charles; Mohr, Wanda; Seltzer, Tammy; Vaughn, Christine; Whitehead, Kathryn; Young, Christina Kloker

American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. Vol 76(3), Jul 2006, 295-303.

 

 

According to this article, many private residential facilities are neither licensed as mental health programs by states, nor accredited by respected national accrediting organizations.  The Alliance for the Safe, Therapeutic and Appropriate use of Residential Treatment (A START) is a multi-disciplinary group of mental health professionals and advocates that formed in response to rising concerns about reports from youth, families and journalists describing mistreatment in the unregulated programs.  There is a range of mistreatment and abuse experienced by youth and families, including harsh discipline, inappropriate seclusion and restraint, substandard psychotherapeutic interventions, medical and nutritional neglect, rights violations and death.

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How to work with police once you’ve called 911.

How to work with police once you’ve called 911.
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Q: When is it time to call 911?  I’ve been told many times that I should call the police or mental health hotline when there’s a crisis, but how do I know when it’s a real crisis?

 

A:  If your child is doing something dangerous to him or herself, or others (including a pet), or property, and if you can’t manage it or stop it, call for help.  “Dangerous” means threatening, harmful, or abusive.  Emergency 911 dispatchers, police, and mental health crisis workers all encourage anyone to call, anytime.  You will not bother them.  I once visited a 911 facility and got a chance to ask to speak with the staff and this was their message.  They described the many ways they can respond when a child or teen “blows out,” runs, or becomes suicidal. 

 

– – – – – – –

 

Once you call the police:

Advice from the Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health (www.ffcmh.org).

  

1.   Remain as calm as you possibly can.

 

2.   Provide only facts as quickly and clearly as possible.

EXAMPLE:  I am calling from [address].  My 13 year old son is threatening to cut his sister.  He has [diagnosis] and may be off his medication and under the influence of alcohol.  There are 4 of us in the house: my mother, my son and daughter, and myself.

 

3.   Identify weapons in the vicinity or in your child’s possession and alert the dispatcher

 

4.   Be specific about what type of police assistance you are asking for.

EXAMPLE:  We want to protect ourselves and get my son to the emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation, but cannot do that by ourselves.  Please send help.

 

5.   Answer any questions the dispatcher asks.  Do not take offense when you are asked to repeat information.  This is done to double check details and to help better assist you.

 

6.   Offer information to the dispatcher about how an officer can help your child calm down.

 

7.   Tell the dispatcher any addition information you can about what might cause you child’s behavior to become more dangerous—suggest actions the officer should avoid.

EXAMPLE:  Please don’t tell him to stand still.  He cannot hold his body still until he calms.  If you can get him to walk with you, he can listen and respond better.  He is terrified of being handcuffed.  Please tell him what he needs to do to avoid being handcuffed.

 

REMEMBER:  Your primary role in this situation is to be a good communicator.  Your ability to remain calm and provide factual details is critical the outcome of this situation.” 

– – – – – – –

 

What is your local police force like?  Call the non-emergency line and check, ask questions about how police typically respond to situations where a child or teenager is diagnosed with a mental disorder and out of control.

 

In many parents’ experiences, including mine, the police were very helpful.  Others have had poor experiences.  Some said their child calmed down and appeared normal once the police arrived, and they felt the police assumed they were exaggerating.  Some said the police only aggravated the crisis, and in a very few cases, the encounter lead to tragedy.

 

In 2007, I attended the national conference of the Federation of Families in Washington DC, and learned from the President of the National Association of Chiefs of Police, Ronald C. Ruecker, that the NACP has made a commitment to promote police training in crisis response to children with mental disorders, including information about the disorders and their manifestations.

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When is it OK to search a teen’s room?

When is it OK to search a teen’s room?
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ASK A QUESTION ANYTIMEmargaret@raisingtroubledkids.com

 

This is a paraphrase of a question that was posed a few years ago in a support group I facilitated.  It’s a question I had to face more than once.  Now that years have gone by, I still believe this is a good approach, but I’m aware some parents disagree.

 

Q: My son is always in his room and gets extremely upset if I go in there.  He says he has a right to privacy.  But I suspect something bad is going on, and want to search his room when he’s not there.  Yet it bothers me that I’d be violating his trust.  Is it OK to search his room?

 

A:  I advocate searching a troubled child’s room or reading “private” information like email if there is any concern whatsoever that something potentially dangerous is being hidden from a parent.  Since he gets very upset, he may not want you to find something because he knows you’ll disapprove.  Practically speaking, is there a way you can search his room or read email without him (or anyone else) ever finding out?  If he finds out you’ve searched his room, yes, you will lose his trust, and he may go to greater lengths to keep secrets.  But as the responsible adult in the household, you must think not only about your son, yourself, and your family, but about others who may be at risk if your son has dangerous plans.  The need for safety overrides.

 

If you find nothing unusual or dangerous on a search, you’ve at least satisfied your rightful need to know.  Then the issue becomes his need for privacy and his fear of losing it, which must be addressed since he’s clearly upset about it.  Don’t tell, at least not until enough time has passed that your communications with your son are strong and he has begun to reckon with his mental health.

 

If you find something dangerous, act on it immediately and do not defend your decision or try to talk him into taking responsibility for his actions.  A troubled teen can’t or won’t.  He will either be remorseful and embarrassed, or enraged and threatening.  Regardless, you must take dangerous materials or actions very seriously because someone’s life could be at stake, literally.  Since it’s clear that trust is important to you (as it should be), expect that it may be very long time before your son trusts you.  But also remember that, under these serious circumstances, his trust of you is less important than your trust of him.

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My son has the problem, yet the therapist focuses on me, huh?

My son has the problem, yet the therapist focuses on me, huh?
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Question:   My son’s therapist keeps telling me what to do, or that I’m not doing the right things at home.  But my son is the one with the problem, why all this focus on me?

 

 

Answer:   You are working hard to manage a difficult situation, and you clearly care about your son because you are bringing him to therapy, but your own stress and exhaustion may cause you to aggravate his behavior even though you don’t intend to.  My guess is that the therapist is trying to tell you how to change your parenting or communication style so that your son’s stress is reduced.  This can be a hard message to take when you know you’re doing everything you can, plus you can’t be sure your son is honest in session.

 

The problem I’ve seen with therapists is that they often don’t know how to talk to parents about parenting issues without sounding like they are making presumptions and blaming the parent for the child’s problems.  A good therapist or doctor will show compassion for a stressed parent, and listen to their side of the story.  Then take the time to explain exactly what the parent might do differently, and why.

 

Try giving this therapist a chance first, and ask him or her if you can meet without your son present, and request that they fully explain the reasoning behind their advice.  Let them know that this has been hard for you and you’ve felt blamed, and that you need their support.  Then listen carefully.  If you’re still not convinced of their point, ask them for the title of a book that you can read in privacy and decide for yourself if it applies to you.  Another way to check is to find a parents’ group if one is available, and hear how other parents deal with a challenging child.  If none of your efforts clarify things for you, and if you feel that you can’t work with this therapist, you might consider finding someone who has a better approach to your situation.

 

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Is your child’s therapist listening to you?

Is your child’s therapist listening to you?
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 True story:

After a lengthy 2-hour session and a series of questions asked of both mother and teenaged son, the psychiatrist wrote:  “the mother is over exaggerating her son’s behavior.  He can’t possibly have all the symptoms she describes.”  Later, the mother said, “I was completely ignored; this doctor affirmed [my son’s] disrespect for me, in front of me, and [my son] got the idea I was full of it and didn’t need to take his meds.”  She felt her authority had been undermined, and that she lost an opportunity to get treatment for her son sooner.  He was eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia, and hospitalized several times.

 

What makes this situation tragic, to me, is that early medication, prior to the first psychotic break, prevents the loss of gray matter that occurs in schizophrenia.  This doctor’s unprofessional and judgmental behavior hurt the recovery prospects for this family.  And sadly, this kind of dismissal of parents is common.  I’ve heard many complain that doctors, therapists, or teachers don’t listen to them, or that they subtly or overtly blame parents for their child’s problems.  Researchers found this to be widely true.  In an article titled “Uncharted Waters – The Experience of Parents of Young People with Mental Health Problems,” the author writes:

 

“Parents’ distress is exacerbated by their need for expertise, but from those who don’t take their concerns seriously.”

Harden, J, 2005. Qualitative Health Research, 15(2), 207-223.

 

I always appeared to be overly upset and stressed whenever I brought my child to see her psychiatrist because, leading up to any appointment, were a series of challenges and acts of resistance that were stressful and frustrating.  It appeared to the psychiatrist, time and time again, that I was the problem… just like she suspected.  All I could do was sit in the waiting room while my daughter was in session, and imagine she was saying terrible things about me.  All I could do was wonder if the psychiatrist could see through it all and know that I, the mom, was doing everything possible to help my daughter, that I was a good parent. Could the doctor see this and give me some hope?

 

Don’t accept being treated this way.

 

Insist that the whole family get time with the therapist, without the troubled child or teen, to check-in and see how everyone is doing.  Make the appointment and tell the therapist why.  Your family needs to say things they wouldn’t ordinarily say when the child is around.  They need to open up secrets and let out difficult feelings without the fear of setting off an explosion later.  The therapist should be astute enough to get the full story, and use this as an opportunity to help the family work through challenges in ways that support everyone’s well being.

 

Insist on being told what to expect.  Another common experience is that parents are not told what to expect from treatment or why.  You need to know everything they know, even if the professionals are still unclear about a diagnosis or treatment approach.  Your child may have many physiological or psychological tests, expensive medications, or visits to many different kinds of ‘ologists’, and you may still not be clear on where the inquiry is going, why, and what the doctors or therapists are looking for.

 

Insist that they consider your daily experiences.  Since a therapist observes your child only during an appointment, they aren’t fully aware of the types of situations that aggravate your child’s behavior.  You are the expert on your child and their behavior patterns; you are the expert on what drives them, and on what drives them crazy.  You know that, behind-the-scenes, much of what your child does is easily missed by a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist.  An experienced professional will listen to you and ask more questions.  You should expect them to seek clarity on your child instead of assuming they already know everything about them and your family.

 

Team up.  It takes both you and the professional working together to comprehend your child’ nature and arrive at a working diagnosis and treatment that works.  Develop a partnership and a shared vision with the therapist so you can, together, do what’s best for your child.  And don’t forget, since you have all the responsibilities, your needs must always be considered in spite of what a therapist thinks is best.  If your family is not included, then it’s not the best.

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You CAN get your power back and reduce your child’s backlash.

You CAN get your power back and reduce your child’s backlash.
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If you have lost control of your child or your household (like the rest of us!), you know how hard it is to get it back.  Each time you try to enforce a rule, it’s ignored or your child creates such a backlash that it feels pointless.  Who wants to invite more stress in their lives?  Who wouldn’t give up and just learn to get by and muddle through?

 

But you CAN face that backlash AND get your power back.  This seems counterintuitive, but the more your child fights back, the more you recover your authority, and the more you will be able to bring order in the home.  BRING IT ON.  Fighting back against new rules and boundaries is a normal psychological response that is called an “extinction burst.”  We all do this.  It has been measured through behavioral observations of people of all ages and has nothing to do with troubled behavior.  The term “extinction burst” is even used by dog trainers to describe a phase of training!

 

Psychological studies show that this negative and extreme response, or the extinction burst, peaks at the first few attempts to enforce a rule or set a boundary.  Then it falls off quickly.  If you can stick it out emotionally, you will see the backlash extremes decrease over time, and the episodes become fewer and farther between.  Little by little, simple rules will be followed, or they’ll be followed most of the time (you will always be tested).  But by this point, enforcement becomes easier.

 

For explosive and aggressive children, it can be scary or dangerous to be a on the receiving end because you know about the potential for violence and harm.  If you can plan for this ahead of time and recruit loyal help for the inevitable emergencies, and if you can stick it out emotionally, you will see the backlash extremes decrease over time, and the episodes become fewer and farther between.  It works, but one must be like a rock and have that support.

 

Run a tight ship at home, but only have a few hard-and-fast rules, maybe 2 or 3, as this is easier to enforce.  Pick the rules carefully because they need to make sense and feel fair to everyone, and they need to be about safety and family unity, examples:  we will eat every dinner together as a family; curfew is 8 pm; if there is any outburst, the person must stay in their room for one hour…  Rules should be few, fair, and strictly enforced.  The first two make the last one easier.

 

You may be surprised how relieved everyone will be after living through chaos for so long!  When I put on my armor and set about getting my power back, it was exhausting and stressful.  But I got more respect the more I was in control.  Consistent order brings a sense of security and safety, but use common sense and be flexible, set aside some rules temporarily if your child is in crisis or the family is too stressed at the moment.  Be very strict on only a few critical things, for example:  have zero tolerance for violence against others (and pets).

You are the king or queen of your home, it is not a democracy.  Make reasonable fair rules, enforce the rules with an iron hand at first, and then relax bit by bit, and live in a peaceable kingdom.

ALWAYS protect with respect and love
ALWAYS protect with respect and love

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Help your child or teen ‘recover’ from a disorder or addiction

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What recovery looks like – A person with a mental or emotional disorder who is in “recovery” lives a normal life and aren’t affected by their disorder.  They look and act normal.  At the least, they have stable relationships, a steady job, a place to live, a regular diet, cleanliness, and regular mental health check-ins.  Recovery is maintained when the person pays attention to themselves to notice if the symptoms are starting, and then takes action to stop the symptoms.

Recovery is like the alcoholic who stops drinking–they still have an addiction, but they stop using.

What your child will need to sustain recovery as an adult:

INSIGHT  +  STABILITY  +  RESILIENCE

INSIGHT– self awareness

Insight allows a child to recognize they have a problem, and choose to act to avoid the problem.  If insight is not possible, they need a toolbox of options that help them to respond appropriately, instead of reacting to chaotic messages in their brain. Knowing and admitting they have a problem, or knowing techniques for avoiding problems, are very powerful skills they need as adults.

STABILITY – fewer falls or softer falls

Your child is like a boat that’s easier to tip over than most other boats; any little wave will capsize them, and everyday life is full of waves, big and small.  Your job is to notice when the troubled child is starting to capsize and show them how to right the boat, or if that doesn’t work, how to use the lifesaver.  Eventually, your child will learn how to sense when trouble is coming on, avoid the thing that causes problems, and ask others for help.  Sense it.  Avoid it.  Ask for Help.

RESILIENCE – bounce back when they fall

Troubled children have a much harder time bouncing back from problems.  They have extreme responses to simple disappointments like breaking a toy, or poor grades, or something as serious as the parents’ divorce.  Some even fall apart in joyous times because the emotional energy is too much!  You must be acutely aware of this–they will not get back on track by themselves.  Don’t worry that helping them will spoil them or “enable” them.  Eventually they will learn from you how you do it.

“…We are all born with an innate capacity for resilience, by which we are able to develop social competence, problem-solving skills, a critical consciousness, autonomy, and a sense of purpose.”

“Several research studies followed individuals over the course of a lifespan and consistently documented that between half and two-thirds of children growing up in families with mentally ill, alcoholic, abusive, or criminally involved parents, or in poverty-stricken or war-torn communities, do overcome the odds and turn a life trajectory of risk into one that manifests “resilience,” the term used to describe a set of qualities that foster a process of successful adaptation and transformation despite risk and adversity…”   http://www.athealth.com

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