Category Archives: suicide

Your bullied child has legal rights to protection and safety

Your bullied child has legal rights to protection and safety
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Violence and Bullying at School

Edith Castro Roldán, Oscar Manuel Luna Nieto

There was a time when school violence was virtually unheard of, but in recent years we have all heard the horror stories about bullying children. The statistics are alarming.

According to the National Center for Education Statistics, during the 2013-14 school year 65% of public schools had recorded one or more violent bullying incidents. That year alone totaled about 757,000 incidents, which means there were about 15 crimes per 1,000 students during that school year alone. The schools record specific kinds of violent incidents and of those that occurred in 2013-14, 58% of public schools reported there had been at least one physical attack without a weapon or a fist fight. About 47% of the schools reported at least one threat of physical attack without a weapon.

The threat of violence in today’s schools is real.
Are you and your child prepared?

Now is the time to prepare yourself and your child for school violence and bullying. Know what steps you need to take and educate your child about the situations presented and how to respond to bullying or school violence. Remember, knowledge is essential in protecting your children and yourself from being a victim of school violence.  Parents and teachers have options for stopping bullying.

There are several kinds of bullying in today’s advanced world. While technology may be a great advancement, it also has its downfalls. While there was a time you may have thought of bullying as taking someone’s lunch money, calling them names, or pushing them around, there are many other kinds of bullying in our technologically advanced age.

What Happens at School Happens in Cyberspace

There are many kinds of bullying that can happen at school. While physical bullying, verbal bullying, and vandalism and theft still exist, cyberbullying has made the news in recent years. Using social media, the bully or bullies will maliciously harass a student. This can be done by making derogatory remarks, abusing and belittling another student, or posting photos that are unflattering or compromising.

There have been many reports of cyberbullying in the news recently. There have been many cases in which a cyberbullying victim has committed suicide or the bully was criminally charged. One of the more memorable cases involved a 13-year-old named Megan Meier who hanged herself after being bullied by someone she thought was a boy she befriended online.

It was later learned that the boy was actually a former female friend, her friend’s mother, and their employee. Criminal charges were filed against the mother, Lori Drew, and she was found guilty of three charges. Later she was acquitted by a U.S. District Judge. Since then, there have been several other cases.

The bully may also play the victim
so he or she can get by doing more harm.

Reactive bullies will continue to taunt, tease, push, or hit others until the victim strikes out so they can then present themselves as victims and place the blame on others. There are many kinds of school violence and there are many causes for today’s unpleasant and threatening atmosphere in school settings.

Causes of School Violence

  • Students have a greater access to weapons, such as guns and knives.
  • Cyberbullying is much more common because of Internet access, cell phones, and tablets. Social media’s popularity plays a major role as well.
  • The environmental impact and its role, such as school environment, the existence of gangs, school size, middle schools, the community environment, and the family environment. Putting your child or teen in a positive environment in the community and home can play a significant role in helping them to avoid the dangers of violence.

The Signs Your Child is Being Bullied

Edith Castro Roldán, Oscar Manuel Luna Nieto

Parents should always be on the look for signs that a child is being bullied. While you may like to believe that your child would openly tell you if he or she is being bullied, that is not the case. Most children are embarrassed or ashamed of being bullied even when it is not their fault. There are several things to watch for that may indicate your child is being picked on by others.

  • Unexplained injuries.
  • Destroyed or lost books, clothing, electronics, or jewelry.
  • Faking illness or complaining of headaches and stomach aches.
  • Changes in eating habits.
  • Frequent nightmares or difficulty sleeping.
  • Not wanting to go to school or declining grades.
  • Avoiding social situations or loss of friends.
  • Self-destructive behaviors or loss of self-esteem.

The Results of School Violence

Bullying and violence can cause all kinds of physical injuries as well as emotional damage. Students can suffer anything from cuts and bruises to broken bones to lost teeth and frighteningly, even gunshot wounds and death. Make sure you seek treatment for your child if he or she has been a victim of bullying.

Emotional damage can last for years
after the bullying has been put to a stop.

Kinds of Bullying

As previously mentioned, there are several kinds of bullying

  • Physical Bullying – hitting, punching, fist fights
  • Verbal Bullying – name calling, making fun of another, cursing
  • Reactive Bullying – picking on others to get a reaction and then playing the victim
  • Cyberbullying – done through social media or text message
  • Vandalism and Theft – damaging or stealing the property of others

Regardless of the kind of bullying that your child has suffered, you need to make sure he or she gets the help that is needed. Seek professional counseling or therapy to help him or her overcome the emotional and mental damage.

Why Don’t Children Ask for Help?

You have probably told your child to come to you with any problems, but when it comes to bullying most children don’t tell anyone. Bullying can make a child feel helpless and insecure. They may fear telling will make them look weaker or be viewed as a tattletale. There is also the fear of backlash from the bully and his or her friends.

Being bullied can be a humiliating experience.

Children probably don’t want adults to be made aware of what is being said about them because they may fear the adults may judge them or punish them, regardless of whether what is being said is true or not. Bullied children fear rejection of their peers as well, and they may already feel isolated and alone.

Eddie~S, Bully Free Zone, CC BY 2.0

Eddie~S, Bully Free Zone, CC BY 2.0

Ways to Prevent Bullying

There are ways to prevent bullying. Some of the more effective approaches include:

  • Establish a safe climate at home, in the community, and at school.
  • Learn how to be more engaged in your children’s school life. Building a positive school climate is detrimental in preventing bullying.
  • Assess bullying at your child’s school and understand how your child’s school stands in comparison to national bullying rates.
  • Talk with your child about their concerns, and be direct. They may think that getting parents involved may worsen the bullying, so be sure to reassure them that you’re there to help the situation.
  • Avoid being misdirected in bullying prevention and response strategies. Focus on your child!
  • Learn about bullying so you know what it is and what it is not. While many behaviors may be just as serious a bullying, some may require different responses than how you respond to bullying.
  • Speak with your children about bullying, and how they can stop it. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and exposing children to ways to address a bully in their life can be extremely effective. It also opens the doors of communication so that a child can feel comfortable discussing it.
  • Encourage your child to seek friends for help in opposing a bully – peer pressure can be effective in getting bullies to stop their behavior.

Being aware of the situation and the warning signs are essential in helping to prevent bullying. Be proactive so you can address bullying issues right away.

Your Child Has Rights!

No one wants their child to be a victim of bullying. There are several things you can do to help your child avoid bullying or bring an end to it. Here is some legal information you need to know, so if the situation does arise the proper action can be taken right away.

Schools have a duty of care. If the school breaches their duty of care, you may be able to get compensation for any therapy bills, medical or dental expenses, or reimbursement for any out-of-pocket costs resulting from the altercation.

By Andrevruas (Own work) via Wikimedia Commons

Teacher and administrator intervention. Teachers are required to do any reasonable action to protect their students’ welfare, health, and safety. Their legal responsibilities focus on three sources:

  • Common Law Duty of Care
  • Statutory Duty of Care
  • The Duty Arising from the Contract of Employment

If the teacher or administrator does not step in to stop the fight before it happens, or during the actual fight, then they can be sued for breaching their responsibilities for duty of care. Be familiar with the school’s protocol and policies as each state has different laws and regulations and each school has a different educational code. Educate yourself!

Understanding Parental Liability

Parents of bullies are criminally liable for negligence in not maintaining control of their children’s delinquent acts. Parental responsibility statutes indicate that parents are not held responsible for their children’s acts, but of inadequately controlling their children.

A lawsuit can only be filed against a government entity (school) in instances where there is actual negligence and not intentional misconduct. In order to sue the school system because your child was bullied, you will have to prove the school system’s negligence for not addressing the problem that they were made aware of previously.

There are some instances in which you cannot sue a public school. The Federal Tort Claims Act (28 U.S.C.§ 2674) explains how there are some instances in which a public school can’t be sued. As an example, you can’t sue because of a school system employee’s official misconduct, but there is a fine line between negligence and misconduct in some instances. To clarify the details, you should consult with an attorney.

Getting the Evidence for a Case

If your child has been injured in a violent act at school, you may have a case against the school system or the bully and his family. There are several steps to gathering evidence for a case:

  • Discovery, which includes deposition, interrogatories, request for admission, “subpoena duces tecum
  • Subpoena
  • Witness of the incident
  • Exhibits, such as evidence, records, reports, video, photographs
  • Damages – medical and dental bills, therapy costs, receipts

If your child has suffered school violence or bullying, you should consult with an attorney. School violence can cause personal injury that has lasting effects. Protect the rights of your child!

by the Outreach Team at Disability Benefits Help

 

Personal Injury Law
Free evaluation

 


Sources:

https://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=49
http://www.crf-usa.org/school-violence/causes-of-school-violence.html
http://www.stopbullying.gov/at-risk/warning-signs/#bullied
http://americanspcc.org/bullying/schools/?gclid=CjwKEAjwrIa9BRD5_dvqqazMrFESJACdv27GeJ3suQOZda0rHDRSliByF3x6VxHg3GFRGH798o0uqhoCPCPw_wcB
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/suing-government-negligence-FTCA-29705.html
https://nobullying.com/six-unforgettable-cyber-bullying-cases/

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Filed under Bullying, parent rights, parenting, suicide, teachers, troubled children

Use the “S” word: talk with your child about suicide

Use the “S” word: talk with your child about suicide
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Don’t be silent on the subject of suicide, even if there’s no evidence your child has considered it.  Bring it in the open, especially if you have a hunch something is wrong.  This article addresses:

  1. Why you should talk about suicide with your child
  2. How to respond if there’s been a threat
  3. How to respond if there’s been an attempt

Parents talk about many uncomfortable subjects with their child;
and suicide must be one of them.

Suicide is one of many sensitive subjects.  Like other frightening subjects (sexual abuse and “stranger danger”), your child should feel safe talking with you about them.  It can be very difficult for a child to bring these up to parents.

Won’t this give my child ideas and encourage suicidal thoughts?

No.  Children usually know what suicide is and will have wondered about it—even young children. Ask what your child thinks. Children as young as 7 and 8 have asked about suicide or threatened it.  Children as young as 10 and 11 have attempted or completed suicide.  The ages of highest suicide risk are between 10 to 24.

Talk with your child. Don’t leave him or her alone with thoughts or questions about suicide.

An 11-year-old boy died of suicide a couple of weeks before this article was written. There had been no prior signs.  He killed himself after receiving a prank text saying his girlfriend had committed suicide. He told no one beforehand..

Why might my child consider suicide?

Mental health professionals assess risk by using the Biopsychosocial Model.  The more negatives in the biological, social, and psychological aspects of one’s life, the higher the risk of suicide or other mental health problems.

This diagram can help assess your child’s risk.

From Pinterest and the blog, Social Workers Scrapbook

What things in this diagram can you control and change at home?
What mental and physical health treatment do the child and other family members need (especially you)?
For things you cannot change, have family team meetings, work together to get through tough times safely.

What can trigger thoughts of suicide?  Two examples:

Oregon: Survey results provided these reasons behind an exceptionally high suicide rate among 10-24 year olds, 180 individuals in one year (“Suicide circumstances by life stage, 2013-2014”).

  • 62% – Current depressed mood
  • 53% – Relationship problems
  • 47% – Current mental health problems
  • 43% – Current/past mental health treatment
  • 42% – History of suicidal thoughts/plans
  • 31% – Recent/imminent crisis
  • 22% – Family relationship problems
  • 21% – Non-alcohol substance abuse problems
  • 8% – School problem

New York State: Life situations of children completing suicide, 88 individuals; (“Suicide Prevention, Children Ages 10 to 19 Years”, 2016)

  • Feeling hopeless and worthless (often because of bullying at school, home, or online)
  • Previous suicide attempt(s)
  • Physical illness
  • Feeling detached and isolated from friends, peers, and family
  • Family history of suicide, mental illness, or depression
  • Family violence, including physical or sexual abuse
  • Access to a weapon in the home
  • Knowing someone with suicidal behavior or who committed suicide, such as a family member, friend, or celebrity
  • Coping with homosexuality in an unsupported family, community, or hostile school environmental
  • Incarceration (time in juvenile detention or youth prison)

What if my child has threatened suicide?

A threat opens a door for a discussion.  A good approach is to interview your child about their feelings, plans, needs, and reasons.  Listen earnestly without input.*  You might be surprised to find their problem is solvable, but their depressed mood paints it as hopeless.  Listening helps them get clarity and feel heard and respected.  Once you understand their problems, you assist them in identifying options and provide emotional support.

* I have a friend who worked for a suicide hotline, and he said the job wasn’t difficult at all.  He said, “All I did was listen and show understanding of their feelings and just let them talk. “

After a frustrating discussion about my teenage daughter’s suicide threats, I gave up and said “No.  I’m telling you not to commit suicide.”  She was incredulous; “You can’t tell me what to do!  You can’t stop me!”  I responded, “Don’t commit suicide. You’re important to us.  You have important things to do in life.”  She made a few attempts in the following years (my hunch is that they were intended to fail), but she always reached out to her family afterwards for support.  Did my words make a difference?

What if a threat is just for attention?

It’s hard to tell. It could be real in some situations, but manipulative in others.  Some children use threats to prevent parents from asserting rules.  Angry children, especially teens, use threats to blame and hurt parents emotionally.  If you think a threat is not genuine, open up the suicide discussion.  “Talk to me about this”, “It seems like an extreme response; is there a better one?” “What needs to change?”  “How can I help?”  Focusing on the threat will either expose the ruse or draw out important information for addressing an underlying problem.

What else can I do if my child threatens suicide?

  1. Observe and investigate.
  • Do they have access to unsafe objects or substances?  You can legally search their room.
  • Do they frequent unsafe places or spend time with people who encourage drug use?
  • Do they have extreme mood swings (up or down), or a chronic dark mood?
  • Do they take dangerous risks and seek dangerous activities?
  • Are there any other danger signs?
  1. Build a network of eyes–choose people who will observe your child and keep you advised of risk, e.g. a mature sibling, a teacher, your child’s friend or the friend’s parents, your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend, a relative, or a trusted person who knows your child.
  1. Make changes you have control over, and solidly commit to these changes. Bring the whole family along on the plan.  FOLLOW THROUGH.
  • In family life – reduce chaos, fighting, blaming, or bullying; ensure everyone gets healthy sleep; express love and appreciation; neglect no one including yourself; create 2 – 3  house rules that are easy to enforce and everyone follows, even you.
  • In social and online life – learn as much as you can about the nature of your child’s relationships, whether romantic or social.  Suggest ideas if they stress your child. Can they remove themselves from a toxic relationship? or cope effectively with anxiety? Can you help them address bullying at school or online?
  • Biological health – Sleep, Exercise, Diet.  Limit screen time at night because blue light inhibits sleep.  Pay attention to digestive health, which affects mental health. These are some natural approaches.
  • Psychological health – Ask a school counselor about your child.  Seek a working diagnosis and mental health treatment. Then help your child find outlets for personal self-expression:  journaling, music, art, poetry, or a website such as this one, where teens help teens.  Mind Your Mind is an excellent example.

What if my child already attempted suicide?

He or she is still very fragile, even if in treatment!  They have taken the action, they’ve been there, and have the option for taking it again—a high percentage try againSuicide attempts are long-term emergencies. You need to be on alert in the following days, weeks, months, and possibly years.  In addition to intensive mental and physical health treatment, ensure your child gets regular deep sleep, exercise, and a good diet.  Ask them if they’ve had suicidal thoughts if you sense something is wrong.

Pay attention to events that trigger suicide (see the lists above).

Check-in with your child when something traumatic happens or might happen, especially if someone he or she knows attempted or committed suicide, or a suicide was in a TV drama or covered in the news.  Triggers are an emergency, act immediately.

You have the power to prevent a child’s suicide.
Be strong. You can do this. 

Take care of yourself.

–Margaret

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Filed under anger, Bullying, depression, mental illness, parenting, stress, suicide, teenagers, teens, troubled children, troubled children

What to know about psychiatric residential treatment

What to know about psychiatric residential treatment
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residential centerHave you been searching for psychiatric residential treatment for your child?  Do all the programs sound wonderful?  Ads include quotes from happy parents, and lovely photos and fabulous-sounding activities.  But what’s behind the ads?  Residential treatment programs are diverse, but there are important elements they should all have.  Here’s how to avoid low quality residential treatment.

Psychiatric residential treatment is serious stuff–it’s difficult to do–especially when troubled children and teens are put together in one facility.

Should you ask other parents for their opinion of a program?  In my experience with a child in psychiatric residential care, and as a former employee of one, word-of-mouth is not the best way to assess quality or success rate.  There are too many variables: children’s disorders are different; acuity is different; parents’ attitudes and expectations are different; length of time in the facility is different; what happens once a child returns home is different…  It’s most helpful to ask questions of intake staff and doctors or psychologists on staff.  Quality psychiatric residential care facilities have important things in common.

What to ask about the staff:

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  • What is the training and licensure of staff?  Are there therapists with MSW degrees, registered nurses, psychiatrists and psychiatric nurse practitioners, and is a medical professional available on site 24/7?
  • There should be a high staff to patient ratio, and a physically comfortable environment with lots of emotional support.
  • Do the staff seem mature to you?  Do they support each other, are they a team?  There is often heavy staff turnover at residential treatment centers because the work is emotionally draining, so staff cohesion is as important as the qualities of each individual.
  • Safety is paramount.  Staff must be able to safely manage the things that can go wrong with troubled kids.  They should be trained in NCI (Nonviolent Crisis Intervention), “training that focuses on prevention and offers proven strategies for safely defusing anxious, hostile, or violent behavior at the earliest possible stage.”

What to ask about programs:

  • Does the program specifically identify parent/family involvement as part of treatment?  Does it emphasize parent partnership with staff?  Ask.  Whether you live close or far from the center, even out-of-state, you should be regularly included in conversations with staff about your child’s treatment.  You should also be included in a therapy session with your child periodically; some facilities can connect with you over Skype.  Your child’s success in psychiatric care depends on their family’s direct involvement.
  • The program should coach you in specific parenting approaches that work for child’s behavioral needs.  While your child is learning new things and working on their own changes, you must also.
  • You should be informed why your child is getting the treatment or behavioral modifications he/she is receiving.

Body health is mind health, and vice versa.

  • residential programsMental health treatment will include medication and therapy, but must also include positive activities and an educational program.  The whole body needs care:  exercise, social activities, therapeutic activities (art, music, gardening), healthy food, restful sleep, etc.

Is your child emotionally safe as well as physically safe?

  • You should be able to visit the unit or cottage where your child will live, see their bedroom, and see how the other children interact with staff and how staff interact with each other.

What to ask about the business itself:

  • Can you take a tour ahead of time?  Can your child or teen visit too if appropriate?
  • Are emergency services nearby (hospital, law enforcement) that can arrive quickly?
  • Does the facility have a business license in their state?  Do they have grievance procedures?  Is the center accredited as a treatment facility, and by whom?  In the U.S., the main accreditation authority is called JCAHO (Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations).

Psychiatric residential treatment works miracles, but it doesn’t work for all children.  Some need to go into treatment more than once to benefit. Some fall apart a few weeks or months after discharge.  These are common.  What’s important is that you and your child are taught skills for managing his or her unique symptoms, communicating well, and committing to staying well together.

Good luck.

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Filed under bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, cutting, depression, mental illness, mental illness, oppositional defiant disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, parenting, psychiatry, PTSD, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, suicide, teenagers, therapy, troubled children, troubled children

Helping your troubled teen after they turn 18

Helping your troubled teen after they turn 18
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Most young people aren’t ready for adulthood by 18 years of age, but your troubled teen is especially unprepared. By 18, their legal status instantly changes to “adult” and they are free to fail at life’s countless tests. Your hands are tied and you can’t keep your son or daughter safe from themselves any more.

Pace yourself for a marathon

Your job as parent is far from over.  Not surprisingly, parenting an 18+ year old will feel the same as when they were 17 years 11 months old.  They’ve been behind their peers for a long time–emotionally or socially or academically. You’ve done everything possible to get them ready for adulthood, but they simply aren’t!  For troubled teens, the teen years last into the mid-20’s or longer. And this is really scary; suicide rates across all age groups are highest for people aged 16-24.  It’s the period of greatest stress, whether the person is suicidal or not.

Many people with disorders aren’t able to take full responsibility for themselves until their early 30’s.

Over the past 16 years, I’ve asked this question of people with mental health disorders, their parents and siblings and children, and their friends:  “At what age did (you, your loved one) make the conscious choice to take responsibility for themselves: treatment, income or job, living on their own, choosing to associate with healthy people. I asked dozens and dozens of people. Their answer? Every single one told me they or their loved one didn’t turn things around until they were between the ages of 29 – 34.

True story: a co-worker once shared about his bipolar disorder and his years of substance abuse and hardships. I would never had guessed this grounded stable person had a troubled past. I asked when he turned his life around; it was 30. I asked what motivated him.  His answer? “I couldn’t avoid it anymore. I ran out of excuses. I hit rock bottom too many times.”

The questions to ponder are how much to sacrifice and how much to let go.  There needs to be a balance.

Parents have a tendency to rescue their adult son or daughter when a crisis befalls because  it’s so hard for the child to recover from set-backs.  But rescuing too much makes them more dependent on the parents (or adult siblings).  Pressuring a troubled teen to be an “adult” when they are not ready may lead to their dependence on others who might make their lives worse.  Or they’ll cope with drugs or alcohol, or risky choices, or give up.

I know of a couple in their 70’s who’d rescued their troubled 34-year-old daughter her entire life, and faced cutting her off because they couldn’t manage anymore.  They were heartbroken to let her go, painfully afraid she would become homeless or suicidal, and deeply regretful they unwittingly undermined her capacity for independence.  Don’t let this happen to you.

The first challenge is deciding where they’ll live.

As with any troubled teen, they must become independent eventually.  It may be a tough call for you:  bear the stress if they live with you? or worry when they leave your protection, possibly forever?  Ironically, your adult child must be better than ‘normal’ young people at managing life because they have so much more to worry about.  Besides the usual adult responsibilities, add self-monitoring for mental and emotional stability, taking meds or obtaining therapy, and disciplining themselves to stick with dozens of choices that support their well-being (diet, exercise, healthy friendships, education or work, financial stability…).

If your troubled teen of 18 must live at home full or part-time, change your rules and expectations. Rules can include a requirement for ongoing mental health care. Your troubled teen must transition to becoming your guest who stays at your invitation and a renter who contributes to the household and follows the landlord’s rules.  You’ll need discipline to step back and respect their privacy and (reasonable) choices and activities.  This may not be easy to achieve–you’ll make many compromises.

In the eyes of the law, you are not responsible for them anymore.

You really aren’t.  In fact, you have the right to banish your 18-year-old from your home and change the locks on the doors.  The parents who do this are usually in fear for their physical and emotional safety–not because they don’t care.  If this describes you, it’s understandable and forgivable if you feel forced into this step.  But know this, things change.  Your adult child will change; banishment is not forever.

There’s good news. Adults have more options for support.

Ironically, your troubled teen, by 18, will have more access to services than ever, and you’ll both get the support you’ve desperately needed.

  • In the U.S., people with mental health problems are protected from job/housing/educational discrimination by laws that protect the disabled.
  • insurers are required to provide mental health care on par with all other treatments and services.
  • Mental health advocacy groups support adults by offering support groups, referrals to safe housing or appropriate job opportunities, social connections with safe accepting peers, and legal and legislative advocacy.
  • Educational institutions have special departments solely for supporting students with disabilities, and that includes troubled young adults.

This is what your troubled teen needs to function after 18, listed in order of value:

  1. A constant, supportive family (that sets boundaries and asserts high-as-possible expectations)
  2. Support from peers and mentors or counselors
  3. A job or continuing education
  4. Ongoing mental health care
  5. A safe living situation

Adjust your expectations for how quickly they’ll progress.

Parents with ‘normal’ 18 year olds gradually revise their relationship with them, becoming a mentor and peer rather than a parent.  You can’t do that yet; your challenge is to flow between the role of parent, disciplinarian, social worker, and therapist until they are ready.

You can do this.  Stay patient.  Keep a bridge built.  They’ll eventually grow up.

–Margaret

 

Please rate this post and comment.  Your thoughts and experiences will help others who read this article.

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Filed under adult, mental illness, parent rights, parenting, suicide, teenagers, teens, troubled children

Bullying and how to stop it – for parents and teachers

Bullying and how to stop it – for parents and teachers
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Most of us have bullied someone and have been bullied at some time in our lives. We have an aggressive trait that helps us stand up to a threat. We are emboldened to fight when we fear for ourselves or family, or simply when we’re “not going to take this anymore!” Mature people don’t do this without cause, but children and teens lack maturity and can engage in bullying throughout their school years. (Even the nicest children can bully another person.) Victims of bullying usually don’t have the power and skills to prevent it or to protect themselves.

“This is a huge problem in the schools… it’s particularly common in grades 6 through 10, when as many as 30 percent of students report they’ve had moderate or frequent involvement in bullying.”
–Dr. Joyce Nolan Harrison, assistant professor of psychiatry, Johns Hopkins School of Medicine.

Bullying occurs when others aren’t paying attention… or when there is an audience
In schools, bullies target victims where and when authorities can’t see, isolated but in crowds: hallways, the school lunch room, the playground or gym, and the bathroom or dressing room, not in plain sight of others who might report an incident. Or they have an audience that supports the bully or ignores the situation and doesn’t want to get involved… or tell.

Bullies target those they consider “weak” or simply “different”
What makes a target child “weak” could be so many things. Bullies seize on anything: a physical, emotional, or mental vulnerability–children with learning disabilities or autism spectrum disorders are often targets. But any “different” child is at risk: a child from another culture is different, a boy who seems effeminate or a girl who seems masculine. The list of reasons children are bullied is so long that it is impossible to proactively avoid attracting the attention of a motivated bully or bullies: physical features, small stature, younger age, shy or meek personalities, bad fashion sense (or perfect fashion sense), even being a Straight “A” student is cause for being victimized. A child’s family member might be perceived as an embarrassment that elicits bullying (a brother is in prison, a father lost his job). Or a child might be a member of a group that’s hated by the parents, who teach their child to hate the group. Some victims are chosen simply because they are at the wrong place at the wrong time:

A teen walks his usual route home from school. He is reasonably well liked but doesn’t stand out. Ahead are three troublesome youth he doesn’t know. No one is around. He’s still at a distance, but starts to feel uncomfortable. They stand side-by-side on the walk ahead of him and stare.

What would a street-wise kid do?

He crosses the street without breaking stride, but also watches them—they have to know he sees them. If he pretended to ignore them it could inflame their anger. They start taunting. Meanwhile, the teen has been thinking of ways to protect himself just in case: there’s a store is nearby or within running distance, there’s a neighbor who’s usually at home. If he has a phone, he pulls it out and is ready to dial 911. He stays alert and looks confident, and they eventually drop the effort and let him move on.

Bullies punish kids who try to stop the bullying

Those who “snitch.” Victims who ask for help are often targeted by the bully more intensely, and often joined by associates who simply jump the bandwagon (curious behavior described as “the madness of crowds”). The culture of tweens and teens has low tolerance for those who tell on others. Those who join the bullying episode against the victim can do it without thinking, or perhaps they feel empowered to vent anger on someone, or just want to fit in.

Those who try to stop them. A heroic bystander steps in to stop a bullying episode and becomes the target themselves.

Those who want to leave the bullying group. Some kids have second thoughts and feel uncomfortable about the bullying and try to leave, but they can’t. Leaving attracts intense, relentless bullying for “voting with their feet”—this is a hallmark of gang behavior

Sadly, some children appear to “set themselves up” for bullying. This victim is a child with a fatalistic attitude and low self-esteem, who doesn’t recognize when others take advantage of them. They feel they must endure and don’t take steps to protect themselves out of excessive fear of drawing retribution. These are the kind of children who can become victims of physical or emotional domestic violence as adults.

Parents

If your child is a victim, be aware that they live between a rock and a hard place. Be careful that your involvement doesn’t make things worse for them

Armor your child with multiple skills
There is no one way to handle every bully situation so flexibility is key. Together, develop a list of multiple options:

  • Ask friends to accompany them
  • Go to a place where people are and find an adult to help. Walk the other way, walk down different hall, walk to other side of street, use a different bathroom.
  • Request loudly “LEAVE ME ALONE” when there’s an audience to witness the bullying, such as on a bus or standing in line.
  • Use body language to project a firm stance. This can be the way your child stands or the loudness of their voice when the bully is present to show confidence, alertness, and empowerment.
  • Let your child know you take them seriously and will do something about it. Give them emotional support.
  • Let your child know you will back them up by working with the school.
  • Use the situation as a learning opportunity to help your child develop a backbone and inner strength. Even with your support, this will not be easy for your child to handle. Be a model of strength and resolve rather than of vengeance or anger.
  • Consider mental health issues that might be making things worse for your child: ADHD, ODD, depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, chaos and stress at home, PTSD, substance abuse, and others.

Help the bullied kids find each other. If there are a bunch of them together, they can stand the bully down. They don’t have to beat the bully up. They just have to say, ‘Why are you treating my friend this way?’ The bully will often move on… Parents can appropriately take matters into their own hands. You need to enlist the help of all the other parents of bullied children… Parents have to work as a group. One parent is a pain in the [butt]. A group of parents can be an educational experience for school authorities.”
–William Pollack, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School

Don’t

  • Don’t tell your child to “let it go, ”or “it’s no big deal,” or “it happens, deal with it.”
  • Don’t tell your child to be tough. What does “tough” mean? What do you want them to do?
  • Don’t punish or dismiss a child who complains too much, or blame him/her for setting themselves up and asking for it. Ironically, a victim is sometimes treated as the problem child.
  • Don’t bully your child at home! Are you doing this? Think. Your child learns to accept the inevitability of bullying because he or she is accustomed to it at home.

How things can go wrong: A boy is in the shower after PE class and gets slapped on the butt most days. He is too proud/embarrassed to tell his parents, or he tells and they react poorly. Perhaps he’s blamed for not standing up for himself, or a parent shows up outraged at school and yells at the bully or school staff. Now the boy’s parent is the problem and may be suspected of bullying their child. Or school staff overreact with swift punitive actions to the bully. Time passes and the bully starts up again bit by bit, only much more subtly. The boy is afraid to report it again because the encounters are more secretive. The bully denies his behavior and recruits others to advocate for him. They jump on the bandwagon because they don’t know the history, and the boy doesn’t want to tell everyone he is being sexually harassed. It’s a vicious cycle.

Teachers and schools

“You can’t learn if you’re being bullied, if every day you’re frightened of how you’re going to be treated.”
–William Pollack, cited above

Teachers, pay attention to signs that there’s a skilled, secretive bully at the school.

  • Notice who others avoid.
  • Notice a child coming into the class who’s upset and ask them about it later, promise you’ll protect their anonymity if you can get them to reveal a bully, but don’t pressure them.
  • Observe the problem kid and their subtle interactions with others.
  • Allow a victim(s) to have distance from bully, permission to use a different bathroom, to have their desk placed farther apart, to have a locker farther apart, or even a different class if possible.
  • Inform the parents of your concerns in addition to the principle and school counselor.
  • Focus your behavioral interventions on the bully (not the victims)

Avoid diagnosing the situation. You are not the expert. You don’t know why a bully is a bully, or why a victim is a victim, or anything about their parents. Ensure a school counselor is involved in any discussion about how to manage a bully problem in the school.

Avoid jumping to conclusions! Your actions can unintentionally undermine or harm either the child or their parents. You don’t know until you know.

“Bullies are like the lion looking for a deer that’s left the herd,” says Patrick Tolan, director of the Institute for Juvenile Research at the University of Illinois. “They try to single out the weakest kid. The best way to stop this is to work on increasing inclusion by helping the bullied kids with social skills.”

Bullies are usually bullied themselves (see another article Bullies like their victims, are also at risk). Only very small percentage are sociopathic, or who are intrinsically cruel and without empathy, perhaps 1 in a 100. How do you tell? If someone sets a clear boundary with punitive consequences, the disturbed bully will relentlessly target a victim regardless of how much trouble they get in.

I wish to personally thank Barry Diggs, probation and parole officer for the Oregon Youth Authority, for his insights into bullying behavior, which helped me develop this article. Margaret

If you have helped a child effectively cope with bullying, please share your story in the Comments below so others can learn from your story.


Research

Bullying Linked to Violence at Home
April 2011

Bullying is pervasive among middle school and high school students in Massachusetts and may be linked to family violence, a new study finds. In a survey of 5,807 middle-school and high-school students from almost 138 Massachusetts public schools, researchers from the Massachusetts Department of Health and US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that those involved in bullying in any way are more likely to contemplate suicide and engage in self-harm compared to other students. Those involved in bullying were also more likely to have certain risk factors, including suffering abuse from a family member or witnessing violence at home, compared to people who were neither bullies nor victims.

Cyberbullying (this is a superb and comprehensive article by an expert on cyberbullying)

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/1336550?GUID=32E9A484-0468-4B38-8A03-0EE478D3256C&rememberme=1

Survey: Half of High Schoolers Report Bullying or Teasing Someone
“Ethics of American Youth Survey”, Josephson Institute of Ethics

Half of U.S. high schoolers say they have bullied or teased someone at least once in the past year, a new survey finds. The study also found that nearly half say they have been bullied during that time. The study surveyed 43,321 teens ages 15 to 18, from 78 public and 22 private schools. It found 50 percent had “bullied, teased or taunted someone at least once,” and 47 percent had been “bullied, teased or taunted in a way that seriously upset me at least once.” The survey asked about bullying in the past 12 months: 52% of students have hit someone in anger. 28% (37% of boys, 19% of girls) say it’s OK to hit or threaten a person who angers them. “There’s a tremendous amount of anger out there,” Michael Josephson says. (Founder of the Institute of Ethics)

Victims of Cyberbullying More Likely to Suffer Depression than Perpetrators:
ScienceDaily, September 2010

Young victims of cyber bullying, which occurs online or through cell phones, are more likely to suffer from depression than their tormentors, a new study finds. Researchers at the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child and Human Health Development in the US looked at survey results on bullying behavior and signs of depression in 7,313 students in grades six through 10. Victims reported higher depression than cyber bullies or bully-victims, which was not found in any other form of bullying. Researchers say it unclear whether depressed kids have lower self-esteem and so are more easily bullied or the other way around.

Cyberbullying Teens and Victims More Likely to Have Psychiatric Troubles
Archives of General Psychiatry, July 2010

Teens who cyberbully others through the Internet or cell phones are more likely to have both physical and psychiatric problems, and their victims are at heightened risk for behavioral difficulties, a new study finds. Researchers collected data on 2,215 Finnish teens 13 to 16 years old. The survey found that teens who were victims of cyberbullying were more likely to come from broken homes and have emotional, concentration and behavior problems. In addition, they were prone to headaches, abdominal pain, sleeping problems and not feeling safe at school, the researchers found. Cyberbullies were also more prone to suffer from emotional and behavior problems, according to the survey.

Bullying And Being Bullied Linked To Suicide In Children
International Journal of Adolescent Medical Health; July 2008

Being a victim or perpetrator of school bullying, the most common type of school violence, has been frequently associated with a broad spectrum of behavioral, emotional, and social problems. According to international studies, bullying is common, and affects up to 54 percent of children. Researchers at Yale School of Medicine reviewed studies from 13 different countries and found signs of a connection between bullying, being bullied. and suicide in children. Suicide is third leading cause of mortality in children and adolescents. Lead author of this report, Young-Shin Kim, M.D. said “the perpetrators who are the bullies also have an increased risk for suicidal behaviors.”

Kids with ADHD more likely to bully
Linda Carroll, MSNBC, reporting on the Journal of Developmental Medicine and Child Neurology, February 2008

A new study shows that children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are almost four times as likely as others to be bullies. And, in an intriguing corollary, the children with ADHD symptoms were almost 10 times as likely as others to have been regular targets of bullies prior to the onset of those symptoms.

A study followed 577 children for a year. After collecting data on bullies and victims and identifying those children ADHD, there was a corollary between ADHD and bullying. Study co-author Dr. Anders Hjern, a professor in pediatric epidemiology at the University of Uppsala in Stockholm said “These kids might be making life miserable for their fellow students. Or it might turn out that the attention problems they’re exhibiting could be related to the stress of being bullied.”

Unfortunately, treating ADHD won’t remedy the bullying because drugs for the condition impact a child’s ability to focus, but not the aggression that leads to bullying, says Kazdin, a professor of psychology and child psychiatry and director of the Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic at Yale University, and president of the American Psychological Association.

Bullying Tied to Sleep Problems
Sleep Medicine, June 2011

Children who are aggressive and disruptive in class are more likely to have sleep-disordered breathing than well-behaved children, according to new research. Conduct problems, parent-reported bullying, and school disciplinary problems were all associated with higher scores on a measure of sleep-related breathing disorders, according to researchers. The study collected data from parents on each child’s sleep habits and asked both parents and teachers to assess behavioral concerns. The findings suggest that bullying may be prevented by paying attention to some of the unique health issues associated with aggressive behavior.

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Filed under Bullying, discipline, parenting, PTSD, suicide, teachers, troubled children