Category: parenting

The Troubled Teen Industry – A warning about boarding schools and outdoor camps

The Troubled Teen Industry – A warning about boarding schools and outdoor camps

This is a young adolescent, not an adult military recruit who’s there by choice.

There is a troubled teen industry out there—boarding schools, outdoor programs, and “boot camps” that are not licensed, not certified, and not experienced with youth with disorders.  Maybe you’ve seen the ads that promise to improve your teen’s behavior in the back of some magazines.  They promise that their program will “fix” your child.  They promise that your teen will learn important lessons about respect and about following your rules.  There are quotes from satisfied parents about how the program saved their teen’s life, but you can’t contact them.  The ads claim that staff are highly trained, strict, and caring.  The location is usually too far to check out easily, an airline flight away from home, often in a rural area.  The cost is outlandish.  To help with payment, the program provides financial advice to parents about getting loans and 2nd mortgages.

It’s a red flag if they >promise< to ‘fix’ your child.

You’re a desperate parent and you’ll do anything you can to stop the craziness and get a break.  You tell yourself it must be a nice place, especially if it advertises a religious approach*, even though you haven’t seen it in person.  The representative on the phone seems to know exactly how you feel and what your teen needs.  If you’re desperate, you may not think to ask if the organization is a legitimate behavioral health treatment facility.  Many are not!

*Claiming a religious affiliation is no guarantee of a genuine, effective faith-based program.

 What to ask:

 

What is the training and licensure of staff?  You want to know if they have therapists with MSW degrees, registered nurses, psychiatrists or doctors, and if a professional is available on site 24/7.  Mental health programs are about treatment and stability through medication or therapy, and positive activities with lots of emotional support.  Safety must be paramount.  Staff must be aware of the types of things that can go wrong and how crises should be handled.

 

Does the camp or school have a business license in their state?  Are staff licensed to practice behavioral health?  Do they have grievance procedures?

 

Is the camp or school accredited as a treatment facility, and by whom?  Does it have mental health agency oversight?  Are emergency services (hospital, law enforcement) a phone call away?  If your child’s mental health is a concern, read “What to know about psychiatric residential treatment.”

 

Can you call and talk to your child when you request?  Can you visit?  Can your child call you when they request it?  Some of these programs limit or disallow parental contact. Why? According to a testimonial at a children’s mental health conference, a young man was used as slave labor at a camp. The staff kept communicating to his mother that he was misbehaving, that he hated her and didn’t want to talk, and that they recommended he stay another 6 months.  In this way, they drew out his stay for 3 years.

 

Seriously? This makes troubled kids ‘tough?’ This isn’t appropriate for normal children.

I’ve heard personal testimony from parents and troubled young people whose condition was worsened by the camp or school, or who felt betrayed by their families.  On rare occasions, children have died at the hands of young, untrained staff who thought they were just disciplining the child.  Other stories included teens being offered drugs by staff or other campers, or sexual relationships with staff or campers.

 

Check out the article below.  The problems in the “troubled teen industry” are significant enough such that an advocacy group has formed to change state laws to protect youth.

 

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Unlicensed residential programs: The next challenge in protecting youth. –excerpt-

By Friedman, Robert M.; Pinto, Allison; Behar, Lenore; Bush, Nicki; Chirolla, Amberly; Epstein, Monica; Green, Amy; Hawkins, Pamela; Huff, Barbara; Huffine, Charles; Mohr, Wanda; Seltzer, Tammy; Vaughn, Christine; Whitehead, Kathryn; Young, Christina Kloker

It’s understandable if you’ve “had enough!” and want your child punished, but excessive punishment does not work.  (Text reads: “If I can’t make a kid puke or piss in his pants on his first day, I’m not doing my job.”)

American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. Vol 76(3), Jul 2006, 295-303.

 

According to this article, many private residential facilities are neither licensed as mental health programs nor accredited by respected national accrediting organizations.  The Alliance for the Safe, Therapeutic and Appropriate use of Residential Treatment (A START) is a multi-disciplinary group of mental health professionals and advocates that formed in response to rising concerns about reports from youth, families, and journalists describing mistreatment in the unregulated programs.  There is a range of mistreatment and abuse experienced by youth and families, including harsh discipline, inappropriate seclusion and restraint, substandard psychotherapeutic interventions, medical and nutritional neglect, rights violations and death.

Spirituality and mental health, some research

Spirituality and mental health, some research

Scientists worldwide have been studying the effect of religion and spirituality on mental health and addiction recovery in children, teens, and adults.  Below are research findings that show religion and spirituality improve adult and adolescent mental health, including recovery from mental crises and substance abuse, when the spiritual approach carries messages of love, kindness, tolerance, and moral responsibility.  But when religion had a punitive or unforgiving message to those with mental or substance abuse disorders, the results were disheartening: a worsening of psychotic symptoms; inability to sustain recovery from substance abuse; and physical abuse.

If you look at the dates of some of these studies, you’ll see that researchers have been measuring of the value of spirituality for mental health and addiction for ~30 years, and results have consistently shown positive benefits which are statistically significant.  It’s hard core research–dense reading–so key findings and conclusions are in red in case you don’t want to scan through lengthy writing and jargon.

Enjoy,  Margaret

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God Imagery and Treatment Outcomes Examined
Currier JM, Foster JD, Abernathy AD, et al. God imagery and affective outcomes in a spiritually integrative inpatient program. [Published online ahead of print May 5, 2017]. Psychiatry Res. doi:10.1016/j.psychres.2017.05.003.

Patients’ ability to derive comfort from their religious faith and/or spirituality emerged as a salient mediating pathway between their God imagery at the start of treatment and positive affect at discharge, a recent study found. Drawing on a combination of qualitative and quantitative information with a religiously heterogeneous sample of 241 adults who completed a spiritually-integrative inpatient program over a 2-year period, researchers tested direct and indirect associations between imagery of how God views oneself, religious comforts and strains, and affective outcomes.

FINDINGS

When accounting for patients’ demographic and religious backgrounds, structural equation modeling results revealed:
(1) overall effects for God imagery at pre-treatment on post-treatment levels of both positive and negative affect;
(2) religious comforts and strains fully mediated these links.

Secondary analyses also revealed that patients generally experienced reductions in negative emotion in God imagery over the course of their admissions.

“[Spirituality] enables neurotic conflicts typical for adolescence to be more easily overcome.”

The influence of religious moral beliefs on adolescents’ mental stability.
Pajević I, Hasanović M, Delić A., : Psychiatry Danub. 2007 Sep;19(3):173-83

University Clinical Centre Tuzla, Trnovac b.b, 75 000 Tuzla, Bosnia & Herzegovina. zikjri@bih.net.ba.
This study included 240 mentally and physically healthy male and female adolescents attending a high school, who were divided into groups equalized by gender (male and female), age (younger 15, older 18 years); school achievement (very good, average student); behaviour (excellent, average); family structure (complete family with satisfactory family relations), and level of exposure to psycho-social stress (they were not exposed to specific traumatizing events).  Subjects were assessed with regard to the level of belief in some basic ethical principles that arise from religious moral values.

CONCLUSIONS: A higher index of religious moral beliefs in adolescents enables better control of impulses, providing better mental health stability.  It enables neurotic conflicts typical for adolescence to be more easily overcome.  It also causes healthier reactions to external stimuli.  A higher index of religious moral beliefs of young people provides a healthier and more efficient mechanism of anger control and aggression control.  It enables transformation of that psychical energy into neutral energy which supports the growth and development of personality, which is expressed through socially acceptable behaviour.  In this way, it helps growth, development and socialization of the personality, leading to the improvement in mental health.

Religion, Stress, and Mental Health in Adolescence: Findings from Add Health

Nooney, J. G. 2008-10-23 from http://www.allacademic.com/meta/p106431_index.html

 A growing body of multidisciplinary research documents the associations between religious involvement and mental health outcomes, yet the causal mechanisms linking them are not well understood.  Ellison and his colleagues (2001) tested the life stress paradigm linking religious involvement to adult well-being and distress.  This study looked at adolescents, a particularly understudied group in religious research.  Analysis of data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (Add Health) reveals that religious effects on adolescent mental health are complex.  While religious involvement did not appear to prevent the occurrence of stressors or buffer their impact, some support was found for the hypothesis that religion facilitates coping by enhancing social and psychological resources.

 

Study Links Religion and Mental Health

David H. Rosmarin and Kenneth Pargament, Bowling Green State University, Ohio

(IsraelNN.com) 2008

A series of research studies – known as the JPSYCH program – reveals that traditional religious beliefs and practices are protective against anxiety and depression among Jews.  The research indicates that frequency of prayer, synagogue attendance, and religious study, and positive beliefs about the Divine are associated with markedly decreased levels of anxiety and with higher levels of happiness.  “In this day and age, there is a lot to worry about,” Rosmarin notes, “and the practice of religion may help people to maintain equanimity and perspective.”

 

The Once-Forgotten Factor in Psychiatry: Research Findings on Religious Commitment and Mental Health (excerpt)

David B. Larson, M.D., M.S.P.H., Susan S. Larson, M.A.T., and Harold G. Koenig, M.D., M.H.Sc.

Psychiatric Times.  Vol. 17 No. 10, October 1, 2000

 

“The data from many of the studies conducted to date are both sufficiently robust and tantalizing to warrant continued and expanded clinical investigations.”

 

Treatment of Drug Abuse

  • The lack of religious/spiritual commitment stands out as a risk factor for drug abuse, according to past reviews of published studies.  Benson (1992) reviewed nearly 40 studies documenting that people with stronger religious commitment are less likely to become involved in substance abuse.
  • Gorsuch and Butler (1976) found that lack of religious commitment was a predictor of drug abuse.  The researchers wrote:  “Whenever religion is used in analysis, it predicts those who have not used an illicit drug regardless of whether the religious variable is defined in terms of membership, active participation, religious upbringing or the meaningfulness of religion as viewed by the person himself.”
  • Lorch and Hughes (1985), as cited by the National Institute for Healthcare Research (1999), surveyed almost 14,000 youths and found that the analysis of six measures of religious commitment and eight measures of substance abuse revealed religious commitment was linked with less drug abuse.  The measure of “importance of religion” was the best predictor in indicating lack of substance abuse.  The authors stated, “This implies that the controls operating here are deeply internalized values and norms rather than fear or peer pressure.”
  • Developing and drawing upon spiritual resources can also make a difference in improving drug treatment.  For instance, 45% of participants in a religious treatment program for opium addiction were still drug-free one year later, compared to only 5% of participants in a nonreligious public health service hospital treatment program-a nine-fold difference(Desmond and Maddux, 1981).
  • Confirming other studies showing reduced depression and substance abuse, a study of 1,900 female twins found significantly lower rates of major depression, smoking and alcohol abuse among those who were more religious (Kendler et al., 1997).  Since these twins had similar genetic makeup, the potential effects of nurture versus nature stood out more clearly.

“lack of religious commitment was a predictor of drug abuse”

Treatment of Alcohol Abuse

  • Religious/spiritual commitment predicts fewer problems with alcohol (Hardesty and Kirby, 1995).  People lacking a strong religious commitment are more at risk to abuse alcohol (Gartner et al., 1991).  Religious involvement tends to be low among people diagnosed for substance abuse treatment (Brizer, 1993).
  • A study of the religious lives of alcoholics found that 89% of alcoholics had lost interest in religion during their teen-age years, whereas 48% among the community control group had increased interest in religion, and 32% had remained unchanged (Larson and Wilson, 1980).
  • A relationship between religious or spiritual commitment and the non-use or moderate use of alcohol has been documented.  Amoateng and Bahr (1986) reported that, whether or not a religious tradition specifically proscribes alcohol use,those who are active in a religious group consumed substantially less alcohol than those who are not active.
  • Religion or spirituality is also often a strong force in recovery.  Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) invokes a Higher Power to help alcoholics recover from addiction.  Those who participate in AA are more likely to remain abstinent after inpatient or outpatient treatment(Montgomery et al., 1995).

“…adolescents [who were] frequent church-goers with high spiritual support had the lowest scores on the Beck Depression Inventory.”

Suicide Prevention – Surging suicide rates plague the United States, especially among adolescents.  One in seven deaths among those 15 to 19 years of age results from suicide.

  • One study of 525 adolescents found that religious commitment significantly reduced risk of suicide(Stein et al., 1992).
  • A study of adolescents found that frequent church-goers with high spiritual support had the lowest scores on the Beck Depression Inventory(Wright et al., 1993).  High school students of either gender who attended church infrequently and had low spiritual support had the highest rates of depression, often at clinically significant levels.
  • How significantly might religious commitment prevent suicide?  One early large-scale study found that people who did not attend church were four times more likely to kill themselves than were frequent church-goers (Comstock and Partridge, 1972).  Stack (1983) found rates of church attendance predicted suicide rates more effectively than any other evaluated factor, including unemployment.  He proposed several ways in which religion might help prevent suicide, including enhancing self-esteem through a belief that one is loved by God and improving moral accountability, which reduces the appeal of potentially self-destructive behavior.
  • Many psychiatric inpatients indicate that spiritual/religious beliefs and practices help them to cope. Lindgren and Coursey (1995) reported 83% of psychiatric patients felt that spiritual belief had a positive impact on their illness through the comfort it provided and the feelings of being cared for and not being alone it engendered.

Potential Harmful Effects – Psychiatry still needs more research and clearer hypotheses in differentiating between the supportive use of religion/spirituality in finding hope, meaning, and a sense of being valued and loved versus harmful beliefs that may manipulate or condemn.”

 

Read my article “Faith can help, & harm, a family’s mental health,” for potential harmful effects on families. –Margaret

  • Alcoholics often report negative experiences with religion and hold concepts of God that are punitive, rather than loving and forgiving(Gorsuch, 1993).
  • Bowman (1989).  In assessing multiple personality disorder, children in rigid religious families, whose harsh parenting practices border on abuse, harbor negative images of God.  Josephson (1993),Individual psychopathology is linked with families whose enmeshment, rigidity and emotional harshness were supported by enlisting spiritual precepts.
  • Sheehan and Kroll (1990).  Of 52 seriously mentally ill hospitalized patients diagnosed with major depression, schizophrenia, manic episode, personality disorder and anxiety disorder, almost one-fourth of them believed their sinful thoughts or acts may have contributed to the development of their illness.  Without the psychiatrist inquiring about potential religious concerns, these beliefs would remain unaddressed, potentially hindering treatment until discovered and resolved.  Collaboration with hospital chaplains or clergy may help in some of these instances of spiritual problems or distress.

Conclusion

Religious/spiritual commitment may enhance recovery from depression, serious mental or physical illness, and substance abuse; help curtail suicide; and reduce health risks.  More longitudinal research with better multidimensional measures will help further clarify the roles of these factors and whether they are beneficial or harmful.

–Margaret

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How to work with police once you’ve called 911.

How to work with police once you’ve called 911.

 

Q: Should I call 911?  I’ve been told I should call the police or mental health hotline when there’s a crisis, but how do I know when it’s a real crisis?


A:  If your child is doing something dangerous to him or herself, or others (including a pet), or property, and if you can’t manage it or stop it, call.  “Dangerous” means threatening, harmful, or abusive.  Emergency 911 dispatchers, police, and mental health crisis workers all encourage anyone to call, anytime.  You will not bother them.  I once visited a 911 facility and got a chance to ask to speak with the staff and this was their message.  They described the many ways they can respond when a child or teen “blows out,” runs, or becomes suicidal.

 


Once you call the police:

Advice from the Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health (www.ffcmh.org).

  

1.   Remain as calm as you possibly can.

 

2.   Provide only facts as quickly and clearly as possible.

EXAMPLE:  I am calling from [address].  My 13-year-old son is threatening to cut his sister.  He has [diagnosis] and may be off his medication and under the influence of alcohol.  There are 4 of us in the house: my mother, my son and daughter, and myself.

 

3.   Identify weapons in the vicinity or in your child’s possession and alert the dispatcher

 

4.   Be specific about what type of police assistance you are asking for.

EXAMPLE:  We want to protect ourselves and get my son to the emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation, but cannot do that by ourselves.  Please send help.

 

5.   Answer any questions the dispatcher asks.  Do not take offense when you are asked to repeat information.  This is done to double-check details and better assist you.

 

6.   Offer information to the dispatcher about how an officer can help your child calm down.

 

7.   Tell the dispatcher any addition information you can about what might cause you child’s behavior to become more dangerous—suggest actions the officer should avoid.

EXAMPLE:  Please don’t tell him to stand still.  He cannot hold his body still until he calms.  If you can get him to walk with you, he can listen and respond better.  He is terrified of being handcuffed.  Please tell him what he needs to do to avoid being handcuffed.

 

REMEMBER:  Your primary role in this situation is to be a good communicator.  Your ability to remain calm and provide factual details is critical the outcome of this situation.” 

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What is your local police force like?  Call the non-emergency line and check, ask questions about how police typically respond to situations where a child or teenager is diagnosed with a mental disorder and out of control.

 

In many parents’ experiences, including mine, the police were very helpful.  Others have had poor experiences.  Some said their child calmed down and appeared normal once the police arrived, and they felt the police assumed they were exaggerating.  Some said the police only aggravated the crisis, and in a very few cases, the encounter lead to tragedy.

In 2007, I attended the national conference of the Federation of Families in Washington DC, and learned from the President of the National Association of Chiefs of Police, Ronald C. Ruecker, that the NACP has made a commitment to promote police training in crisis response to children with mental disorders, including information about the disorders and their manifestations.

When is it OK to search a teen’s room?

When is it OK to search a teen’s room?

This is a paraphrase of a question that was posed a few years ago in a support group I facilitated.  It’s a question I had to face more than once.  Now that years have gone by, I still believe this is a good approach when you have a troubled teenager, but some parents may struggle with the issue of trust.

Q: My son is always in his room and gets extremely upset if I go in there.  He says he has a right to privacy.  But I suspect something bad is going on, and want to search his room when he’s not there.  Yet it bothers me that I’d be violating his trust.  Is it OK to search his room?

A:  I advocate searching a troubled child’s room or reading “private” information like email if there is any concern whatsoever that something potentially dangerous is being hidden from a parent.  Since he gets very upset, he may not want you to find something because he knows you’ll disapprove.  Practically speaking, is there a way you can search his room or read email without him (or anyone else) ever finding out?

If he finds out you’ve searched his room, yes, you will lose his trust, and he may go to greater lengths to keep secrets.  But as the responsible adult in the household, you must think not only about your son, yourself, and your family, but about others who may be at risk if your son has really dangerous plans.  The need for safety should include those in contact with your son.  Who else is at risk of violence? criminal changes? substance abuse?

If you find nothing unusual or dangerous on a search, you’ve at least satisfied your rightful need to know.  The first issue is his need for privacy and his fear of losing it.  The second issue is your need for mutual trust.  He will need you someday when he’s in trouble, and his trust is critical.  It’s OK not to tell him if you’ve searched his room.

In dire circumstances, a parent may need put some values aside.

If you find something dangerous, act on it immediately and do not defend your decision or try to talk him into taking responsibility for his actions.  A troubled teen can’t or won’t.  He will either be remorseful and embarrassed, or enraged and threatening.  Regardless, take dangerous materials or actions very seriously because someone’s life could literally be at risk.  Since it’s clear that trust is important to you (as it should be), expect that it may be very long time before your son trusts you if he finds out.  But also remember that, under these serious circumstances, his trust of you may be less important than your trust of him.

My son has the problem, yet the therapist focuses on me, huh?

My son has the problem, yet the therapist focuses on me, huh?

Question:   My son’s therapist keeps telling me what to do, or that I’m not doing the right things at home.  But my son is the one with the problem, why all this focus on me?

Answer:
   You could be the problem or the therapist could be the problem.  You are working hard to manage a difficult situation, and you clearly care about your son because you are bringing him to therapy, but your own stress and exhaustion may look like you’re the one with the behavior problem.  My guess is that the therapist is trying to tell you how to change your parenting or communication style to reduce your son’s stress and better manage his issues.  This is a hard message to take when you know you’re doing everything you can, and you’ve been put through a lot by a difficult child.

Someone who doesn’t know me is telling me I’m not good enough?  What?

How can you tell it’s the therapist with the problem?

  • One problem I’ve seen with therapists is that they often don’t know how to talk to parents about parenting issues without sounding like they are making presumptions and blaming the parent for the child’s problems.  Everyone loves to blame the parents.
  • Some therapists put themselves in the child’s shoes.  That’s why they got into child therapy in the first place, they love children!  Yet pro-child therapists put their emotional biases in the mix to protect your child from you.  This ridiculous attitude is changing, thankfully. The mental health profession has begun to realize how critical the family is for the child’s treatment.
  • The worst situation is when a therapist embarrasses you or blames you in front of your child.  That’s grounds for firing them!  You may indeed need parenting guidance, but you should never have someone undermine your authority.
  • Another problem is when a therapist doesn’t have children, or doesn’t have troubled children.  They feel too confident in their abilities and don’t know what it’s like living with a troubled child 24/7, so they make assumptions and you constantly feel you need to defend yourself.

A good therapist or doctor will show compassion for a stressed parent, listen to their side of the story, and help the parent feel understood and believed.  Then they will take the time to explain exactly what the parent might do differently at home and why.

You should leave every meeting feeling better about yourself and child.

Try giving this therapist a chance first, and ask him or her if you can meet them without your son, and request that they fully explain their advice.  Let them know that this has been hard for you and you’ve felt blamed, and that you need their support.  Then listen carefully.  If you’re still not convinced of their point, ask them if there’s a book or a website or support group for you (it’s easier to accept advice from other parents who’ve learned from their mistakes).  If you feel that you can’t work with this therapist, consider finding someone who takes a better approach to you and your situation.

You and your child have to “click” with a therapist or doctor, or they can’t help you.

Is your child’s therapist listening to you?

Is your child’s therapist listening to you?

 True story:

After a lengthy 2-hour session and a series of questions asked of both mother and teenaged son, the psychiatrist wrote:  “the mother is over exaggerating her son’s behavior.  He can’t possibly have all the symptoms she describes.”  Later, the mother said, “I was completely ignored; this doctor affirmed [my son’s] disrespect for me, in front of me, and [my son] got the idea I was full of it and didn’t need to take his meds.”  She felt her authority had been undermined, and that she lost an opportunity to get treatment for her son sooner.  He was eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia, and hospitalized several times.

 

What makes this situation tragic, to me, is that early medication, prior to the first psychotic break, prevents the loss of gray matter that occurs in schizophrenia.  This doctor’s unprofessional and judgmental behavior hurt the recovery prospects for this family.  And sadly, this kind of dismissal of parents is common.  I’ve heard many complain that doctors, therapists, or teachers don’t listen to them, or that they subtly or overtly blame parents for their child’s problems.  Researchers found this to be widely true.  In an article titled “Uncharted Waters – The Experience of Parents of Young People with Mental Health Problems,” the author writes:

 

“Parents’ distress is exacerbated by their need for expertise, but from those who don’t take their concerns seriously.”

Harden, J, 2005. Qualitative Health Research, 15(2), 207-223.

 

I always appeared to be overly upset and stressed whenever I brought my child to see her psychiatrist because, leading up to any appointment, were a series of challenges and acts of resistance that were stressful and frustrating.  It appeared to the psychiatrist, time and time again, that I was the problem… just like she suspected.  All I could do was sit in the waiting room while my daughter was in session, and imagine she was saying terrible things about me.  All I could do was wonder if the psychiatrist could see through it all and know that I, the mom, was doing everything possible to help my daughter, that I was a good parent. Could the doctor see this and give me some hope?

 

Don’t accept being treated this way.

 

Insist that the whole family get time with the therapist, without the troubled child or teen, to check-in and see how everyone is doing.  Make the appointment and tell the therapist why.  Your family needs to say things they wouldn’t ordinarily say when the child is around.  They need to open up secrets and let out difficult feelings without the fear of setting off an explosion later.  The therapist should be astute enough to get the full story, and use this as an opportunity to help the family work through challenges in ways that support everyone’s well being.

 

Insist on being told what to expect.  Another common experience is that parents are not told what to expect from treatment or why.  You need to know everything they know, even if the professionals are still unclear about a diagnosis or treatment approach.  Your child may have many physiological or psychological tests, expensive medications, or visits to many different kinds of ‘ologists’, and you may still not be clear on where the inquiry is going, why, and what the doctors or therapists are looking for.

 

Insist that they consider your daily experiences.  Since a therapist observes your child only during an appointment, they aren’t fully aware of the types of situations that aggravate your child’s behavior.  You are the expert on your child and their behavior patterns; you are the expert on what drives them, and on what drives them crazy.  You know that, behind-the-scenes, much of what your child does is easily missed by a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist.  An experienced professional will listen to you and ask more questions.  You should expect them to seek clarity on your child instead of assuming they already know everything about them and your family.

 

Team up.  It takes both you and the professional working together to comprehend your child’ nature and arrive at a working diagnosis and treatment that works.  Develop a partnership and a shared vision with the therapist so you can, together, do what’s best for your child.  And don’t forget, since you have all the responsibilities, your needs must always be considered in spite of what a therapist thinks is best.  If your family is not included, then it’s not the best.

What to do when you’re blamed for your child’s behavior

What to do when you’re blamed for your child’s behavior

  

Our sick kids deserve compassion too
Our sick kids deserve compassion too

I have yet to meet one family with a troubled child that has not felt blamed or judged by close people in their lives:  best friends, family members, a religious community, co-workers, even medical and mental health providers.  Nothing could be more wrong or more hurtful to the family’s well being.  Blame adds emotional burdens on top of what they already face, and can undermine an already shaky hope and faith. 

 

Parents like us are aware that many people are not comfortable around a child with bizarre or extreme behaviors, like our child.  We understand this.  After all, who else knows more about the stress they create?  But it is unacceptable to be blamed or judged by others on our parenting, our character, our child, and/or presumed to be abusing our child.  This is simply not true for the overwhelming majority of families with troubled children.

 

These are some things that have helped caregivers cope with, and overcome, the debilitating effect of judgment and blame.

 

First, resist defending yourself; it will only attract more unwanted attention and disagreement.  You don’t have the time or emotional energy to teach someone who resists and challenges everything you say with countless questions and misinformation.  Avoid people like this (even friends and family!).

 

Second, actively seek out supportive people who take the time to listen, just listen.  You need as large as possible a network of compassionate people around you.  Stop and think about this, you have many around you already.  They may be waiting in the wings, at a polite distance so as not to interfere or add to your stress.  If you think you can trust someone, ask them to be your friend.  You will be surprised at how many people are out there who have a loved one with a mental or emotional disorder, and how many are willing to help because they completely understand what you’re going through.

 

Third, politely and assertively say thanks but no thanks.  If judgmental people ask why you haven’t contacted them or returned calls, tell the truth, also without blame or judgment.  “Our situation is not good, but we are getting the best professional help, and we have been pulling back to take care of ourselves.  Thanks for showing interest, and thanks for your understanding and for giving us space.”  No apologies.

 

There is a curious phenomenon where craziness seems to attract “crazy” people.  You must block them from your life.  They might be obsessed with a religious, medical, or philosophical belief and want to make your child’s life their cause.  If this happens to you, don’t hesitate to end contact with anyone that wants to entangle themselves in your lives without your permission.  You are never responsible for meeting another’s needs or fitting their beliefs!

 

I once had a co-worker who had strong feelings about “natural” health care, who offered a steady stream of articles and comments about what could help my child.  I had to firmly insist that if she could find one piece of research proving that her preferred treatments helped even one person with schizophrenia, then I would listen.  This ended the unsolicited advice. 

 

Fourth, be prepared to grieve lost connections.

 

A single mother with a 16-year-old daughter sought help in a support group:  “Can someone help me?  I need someone to call my sister or mother and tell them that I and [my daughter] are not criminals or sickos.  They’ve stopped calling, they refuse to have us over or visit for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I just want someone else to tell them that she’s fine now because she’s taking meds, and that her behavior is not her fault or my fault.”

 

Let go of those who blame, and move forward with your priorities.  Very often, they eventually turn around and make an effort to understand.  Many really do change and apologize for their insensitivity. I’ve experienced this and observed this, but it is not your job to make this happen.

 

Your criteria for friendship will change.  You will find out who your real friends are, and they may not be family members or current friends.  Real friends let you talk about feelings without judgment or advice, they are always around to listen, they help out with little things:  go out for coffee; call to check in on you; or watch your other kids in a crisis.  They may be people you never felt close to before but who have reached out to you with compassion.  Accept their help.  Don’t be too private or too proud to accept the offer of support.  Someday, after you have turned your family’s life around, find another family who needs your support.  Make a promise to help others in need, and to give back to the universe.

Parent to Parent Guidance

Parent to Parent Guidance

Margaret Puckette is a Certified Parent Support Provider, and partners with parents for successfully raising their troubled child, teen, or young adult. She believes parents and families need realistic practical guidance for home and school life, not just information about disorders. Margaret has mentored families for over 20 years. She is an author & speaker, and believes mentally healthy families raise mentally healthy children.

You Can Handle This.

You Can Handle This.

You are not alone. It's no one's fault. Behavior disorders are disabilities! Troubled children need a very different parenting approach than 'normal' kids.

Care for yourself first, then set new goals:
1. Physical and emotional safety for all
2. Acceptance of the way things are
3. Family balance, meet the needs of all
4. One step at a time, one day at a time

Practical Guide for Parents

Practical Guide for Parents

A guide with practical steps for reducing stress at home and successfully raising a troubled child. You use the same proven techniques as mental health and other professionals. It starts by taking care of your wellbeing first, then taking an entirely different approach to parenting.
Amazon $14.99, Kindle $5.99