Category: parenting

Get your power back and reduce your child’s tantrums

Get your power back and reduce your child’s tantrums

If you have lost control of your troubled child and your household (most of us have), you know how hard it is to get things back on track–especially for following house rules. Each time you try to enforce a rule, it’s ignored, or your child throws a huge tantrum that you give in rather than spend more precious energy.  Who wants to invite another backlash?  Who wouldn’t give up and just try to get by and muddle through?

A powerful tantrum is a good thing; it’s evidence that you are regaining authority.

This seems counterintuitive, but the more your child fights back, and the more power they lose and the more you recover your authority. Fighting back harder and harder against rules and boundaries, then having an over-the-top tantrum, is a normal psychological response that psychologists call an “extinction burst.”  It means the original behavior goes extinct so to speak..  We all do this to some degree. It has been measured through behavioral observations of people of all ages and has nothing to do with troubled behavior.  The term “extinction burst” is even used by dog and horse trainers to describe a behavioral change in training. 

It goes like this: parents set a rule and start firmly enforcing it, and one of two things happen: 1) a huge tantrum, or 2) things are OK for a little while, and then tantrums start up again.  If you can hold the line, psychological studies show that when massive tantrums fade, the extinction burst peaks.  They give up their own power and change their behavior.  Look at this diagram:  The vertical scale indicates level of bad behavior.  When a rule is firmly enforced (intervention), the tantrum peaks then it falls off quickly.

If you can stick it out through that huge tantrum, you will see fewer tantrums over time.  It works, but one must be like a rock and have support when The Big One happens. But be prepared, you might need to face several extinction bursts.  Little by little, simple rules will be followed, or they’ll be followed most of the time (you will always be tested).  But by this point, enforcement becomes easier.

Plan for major tantrums ahead of time and recruit help for holding a firm protective wall.

For explosive and aggressive children, it can be scary or dangerous to be on the receiving end because you know about the potential for violence and harm.  Prepare family members and others, and explain how the tantrum will be handled and how everyone will be kept safe.

Rules for house rules:

  1. Few
  2. Fair
  3. Strictly Enforced

Run a tight ship at home, but only have a few hard-and-fast rules, maybe 2 or 3, to save your energy.  Holding fast on enforcement is draining.  Pick the rules carefully because they need to make sense and feel fair to everyone, and they need to be about safety and family wellbeing, examples: we will eat every dinner together as a family; curfew is 8 pm; if there is any outburst, the person must stay in their room for 15 minutes…

You may be surprised how relieved everyone will be after living through chaos for so long!  They will be thankful someone is finally in charge instead of the troubled child.  When I put on my armor and set about getting my power back, it was exhausting and very stressful, but consistent order brought a sense of security and safety. Use common sense and be flexible, set aside some rules temporarily if your child is in crisis or the family is too stressed at the moment.  Be very strict on only a few critical things, for example:  have zero tolerance for violence against others and alcohol and drug use.

You earn more respect when you are in control and better protect everyone’s peace of mind. 

You are the king or queen of your home, it is not a democracy.  Make reasonable and fair rules, enforce the rules with an iron hand at first, and then relax bit by bit, and live in a peaceable kingdom (with problems you can handle).

 –Margaret
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When parents disagree on discipline

When parents disagree on discipline

Your primary relationship comes first

Stress can affect the most solid relationships. Families like yours, with a troubled child, have a higher divorce rate than the general population, 50% higher. Coping with your child will bring out any and all relationship issues that may have been manageable under normal circumstances. If your relationship is falling apart, and it was mostly healthy before this period of stress, then it must be a priority over the child for now. Get counseling, if not together than singly. Or ask for help from supportive friends–prayers, cheerleading, or the opportunity to vent. Partners must stand by each other and present a solid front as the family leaders. This is just as important for your child as it is for you. Let this draw you closer together rather than pull you apart.

The most common situation I’ve seen is men emphasizing discipline and women emphasizing protection–neither is wrong.

This must be worked out and balanced.  Your mission must be identical and your goals must be balanced.  Sometimes the child needs discipline, and sometimes they need protection and nurturing.  Discipline need not be uncaring or harmful, and protectiveness need not be enabling.  While your grapple with this ongoing polarity, here’s a good way to manage in the mean time.

  • Stand strong, shoulder-to-shoulder
    If you strongly disagree, then together make a list of the things you agree on and worry about the disagreements later. This list should include:
  • List each parent’s strong points, so you can remember what attracted you in the first place, and strengthen your bond and respect.
  • Never ever argue in front of children, and make a rule for how and where to argue.  Observing parents arguing creates problems that worsen your child’s behavior.  Stress is an obvious result.  But what about kids who manipulate their parents in order to get their way with something?  Parents can be played against each other!  This happened to me and it damaged my relationship with my children’s father for years (yes, we divorced too).  Don’t let this happen to you.
  • An agreed-upon role for each parent, which is something that they’re good at.  If one parent is competent at handling a specific challenge, the other steps back, and vice versa.
  • Take turns managing the household for a period while the other takes a break.
  • Set aside personal feelings temporarily to co-manage one specific little problem at a time, a problem you both agree on.

Have each other’s back

A true story with names changed:

Susan and her daughter Pam were constantly fighting over who hurt who the most by what each said. Jason, husband and father, was frustrated and angry by these conflicts, but avoided interfering because he knew he’d upset both his wife and daughter. Yet Jason was always able to calm Pam down quickly because their relationship was different. One day, Jason took his wife aside and suggested they try something. He suggested that Susan step back from certain daily interactions with Pam, those which always ended in fights, and let him do the communicating. Susan did not like the idea that Pam had “won” by getting all of her dad’s attention, nor did she like the implication she couldn’t handle their daughter! But Jason came up with the idea that if he saw Susan and Pam slipping into a fight, he would use a code phrase, like “Hey dear, can you help me find the _____?”, and Susan would catch herself, save face by stepping out to look for the ____, and let Dad take over. This worked wonders rather quickly. Nothing was ever discussed openly, but after a few weeks, both mother and daughter started to catch themselves starting a fight, and one or both would find some reason to step away from the situation.

–Margaret

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Support Your Child or Teen’s Recovery From a Disorder or Addiction

Support Your Child or Teen’s Recovery From a Disorder or Addiction

What recovery looks like – A person with a mental or emotional disorder who is in “recovery” lives a normal life and aren’t affected by their disorder.  They look and act normal.  At the very least, they have stable relationships, a steady job, a place to live, a regular diet, cleanliness, and regular mental health check-ins.  Recovery is maintained when the person pays attention to themselves and notices if their symptoms are starting, and then takes action to stop the symptoms.

Recovery is like the alcoholic who stops drinking–they still have an addiction, but they stop using.

What your child will need to sustain recovery as an adult:

INSIGHT  +  STABILITY  +  RESILIENCE

Insight – self awareness

Insight allows a child to recognize they have a problem, and choose to act to avoid the problem.  If insight is not possible, they need a toolbox of options that help them to respond appropriately, instead of reacting to chaotic messages in their brain. Knowing and admitting they have a problem, or knowing techniques for avoiding problems, are very powerful skills they need as adults.

Stability– fewer falls or softer falls

Your child is like a boat that’s easier to tip over than most other boats; any little wave will capsize them, and everyday life is full of waves, big and small.  Your job is to notice when the troubled child is starting to capsize and show them how to right the boat, or if that doesn’t work, how to use the lifesaver.  Eventually, your child will learn how to sense when trouble is coming on, avoid the thing that causes problems, and ask others for help.  Sense it.  Avoid it.  Ask for Help.

Resilience– bounce back when they fall

Troubled children have a much harder time bouncing back from problems.  They have extreme responses to simple disappointments like breaking a toy, or poor grades, or something as serious as the parents’ divorce.  Some even fall apart in joyous times because the emotional energy is too much!  You must be acutely aware of this–they will not get back on track by themselves.  Don’t worry that helping them will spoil them or “enable” them.  Eventually they will learn from you how you do it.

“…We are all born with an innate capacity for resilience, by which we are able to develop social competence, problem-solving skills, a critical consciousness, autonomy, and a sense of purpose.”

“Several research studies followed individuals over the course of a lifespan and consistently documented that between half and two-thirds of children growing up in families with mentally ill, alcoholic, abusive, or criminally involved parents, or in poverty-stricken or war-torn communities, do overcome the odds and turn a life trajectory of risk into one that manifests “resilience,” the term used to describe a set of qualities that foster a process of successful adaptation and transformation despite risk and adversity…”   http://www.athealth.com

Your troubled child’s recovery and how you help them achieve it

Your troubled child’s recovery and how you help them achieve it

What recovery looks like – A person with a mental or emotional disorder who is in “recovery” can look and act like anyone else.  They have:

  • stable relationships
  • a steady job or in school
  • a place to live
  • a proper diet
  • cleanliness
  • regular mental health check-ins.
Their mind is unstable. It’s like they stand on a beach ball that can topple them at any moment.

Recovery is maintained when your child can pay attention to themselves and notice if their symptoms are starting up, and then take action to stop the symptoms.  You teach them what to look for, and how to do a personal check-in.  It’s just as if they are monitoring any other problem in order to stay healthy such as: blood sugar, body temperature weight gain or loss, digestive system function (gut microbes).  In mental disorders, their signs and symptoms are not steady.  Anything can lead them from “OK” to “out of control” in an instant, and problems can last minutes to weeks to months.

What your child will need to sustain recovery as an adult:

INSIGHT  +  STABILITY  +  RESILIENCE

INSIGHT– self awareness

Insight allows a child to recognize they have a problem, and choose to act to avoid the problem.  If insight is not possible, they need a toolbox of options that help them to respond appropriately, instead of reacting to chaotic messages in their brain. Knowing and admitting they have a problem, or knowing techniques for avoiding problems, are very powerful skills they need as adults.

STABILITY – fewer falls or softer falls

Your child is like a boat that’s easier to tip over than most other boats; any little wave will capsize them, and everyday life is full of waves, big and small.  Your job is to notice when the troubled child is starting to capsize and show them how to right the boat, or if that doesn’t work, how to use the lifesaver.  Eventually, your child will learn how to sense when trouble is coming on, avoid the thing that causes problems, and ask others for help.

  • Sense it.
  • Avoid it.
  • Ask for Help.
Life throws punches. Vulnerable brains need to be more wary and resilient than the average person.

RESILIENCE – bounce back when they fall

Troubled children have a much harder time bouncing back from problems.  They have extreme responses to simple disappointments like breaking a toy, or poor grades, or something as serious as the parents’ divorce.  Some even fall apart in joyous times because the emotional energy is too much!  You must be acutely aware of this–they will not get back on track by themselves.  Don’t worry that helping them will spoil them or “enable” them.  Eventually they will learn from you how you do it.

“…We are all born with an innate capacity for resilience, by which we are able to develop social competence, problem-solving skills, a critical consciousness, autonomy, and a sense of purpose.”

     “Several research studies followed individuals over the course of a lifespan and consistently documented that between half and two-thirds of children growing up in families with mentally ill, alcoholic, abusive, or criminally involved parents, or in poverty-stricken or war-torn communities, do overcome the odds and turn a life trajectory of risk into one that manifests “resilience,” the term used to describe a set of qualities that foster a process of successful adaptation and transformation despite risk and adversity…”   http://www.athealth.com

–Margaret

 

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Are you trying to reason with an irrational child?

Are you trying to reason with an irrational child?

I regularly speak with parents with children with a brain disorder and a history of serious behavior problems.  Many are truly at the end of their rope.  The parent is so exasperated by their child’s relentless acting out, they start nagging, repeating themselves to exhaustion.

They plead for answers: “Why does he keep doing this?, or, ” Why doesn’t she stop after I’ve explained things over and over.”  Then they answer their own questions:  “It’s because he always wants his way,” or, “She’s doing this to get back at me.”

The parent then lists all the ways they’ve tried reasoning with their child or disciplining with consequences.  As they tell their story, they continue to ask questions and provide answers, going around and around and around:  “He does this just to make me mad;”  “She manipulates the situation because she wants more (something) and I won’t give it to her.”  What’s interesting to me is that these children can be quite young (4 or 5), too young to expect reasoning in the first place, or they can be young adults (early 20′s) who have a long track record of doing things that don’t make sense.

Saying something a 1000 times doesn’t work. It just becomes nagging that’s tuned out.

You don’t need to be this frustrated

Parents’ stress and frustration vanish if they accept that their child is not ready to reason or control their behaviors.  It’s not their fault, and not the parents’ fault. Irrationality is the hallmark of brain-based problems, and chronically challenging behaviors are the evidence.

If you feel you have run into brick walls over and over again, and your child is not learning what you’re teaching, do both of yourselves a favor and stop trying the same things that still don’t work.  Stop assuming that if you say something a thousand times they’ll finally get it, and stop any paranoid assumption that your child or teen has an evil plan to get back at you.

When you find yourself trying to reason with a troubled child or teen (or young adult), step back and calm yourself this way, and ask what your child needs in the moment.  Then change your whole approach.

  • Try different ways of communicating, such as softening your tone of voice.
  • Pay attention to whether they respond best to words or images, and use what works most naturally for them.  Try using touch to communicate, or withdrawing touch if that’s threatening to them.
  • Post (polite) signs and simple house rules in the house as reminders for things they need to do every day.
  • Show instead of tell. Your child or teen may not be able to learn through their ears.  Or they tune you out.  Demonstrate how instead of telling them how.
  • Avoid explaining how their behavior will hurt them in the future.  Children and teens often cannot track how pushing one domino leads to all the dominoes falling.

If you’re nagging and harping and chiding your child, forgive yourself.

It’s so common one might call it normal.  You are still a good parent who wants the best for your son or daughter.  Over the many years I’ve facilitated parent support groups, I’ve heard so many regret how they’ve treated their child once they begin to understand that it won’t work.  You are not alone.  Raising a child like yours is tough, but you’ll move on and figure things out.  Don’t give up.

Mental illness is more deadly than cancer for teens, young adults

Mental illness is more deadly than cancer for teens, young adults

Why isn’t everyone more upset?

A disease is killing our children and it’s more deadly than cancer and leukemia!  Did you know it was mental illness?

Out of curiosity, I did some research on child mortality rates from various causes because I wanted to know how death from mental illnesses compared with other fatal illnesses of childhood and adolescence. The results were astonishing, unexpected, and disturbing.

Look at the highest bars in this graph. They are 3-4 times the height of average cancer and diabetes rates in children. There are gaps in the available data, but this simple comparison is disturbing.

* The starting point for the mortality rates of medical illnesses was the website for the Center for Disease Control and Prevention www.cdcp.gov  in Atlanta; the starting point for the mental illnesses was the website for the National Institute for Mental Health, www.nimh.gov.

** The suicide data was from those with depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and psychotic disorders-unspecified.  (Suicide from other mental health causes, such as borderline personality disorder and co-morbid substance abuse is also prevalent, but I could not find data for children to young adult age ranges.)

On suicide:

  • It’s often normal for children and young people to think about suicide, but just in their imagination. They might consider it during some painful time in their lives, but there are no plans made or steps taken.  When the difficult times are over, they don’t think about it any more.
  • Young people with early onset mental illness can’t endure much stress; thoughts of suicide recur over time, starting as early as age 6 or 7.  These children are vulnerable to repeated intrusive suicidal thoughts because they live with a combination biological, psychological, and social/relationship causes (called “biopsychosocial”).  More about this is explained here: “Use the “S” Word: Talk with your Child about Suicide.”
  • There are ‘fast’ and ‘slow’ suicides in young people.
    • The ‘fast’ ones are 1) direct self-harm that has been planned, or 2) spur-of-the-moment suicide due to an extreme emotional reaction to a single intolerable event (examples: a boyfriend/girlfriend or best friend dies; a teen has a serious fight with a parent and (without planning) wants to ‘get back’).
    • The ‘slow’ suicides result from a persistent pattern of harmful behaviors that eventually lead to death.  Young people struggling with anorexia can die by heart failure or other causes due to their weakened body.  Others abuse substances and/or participate in extremely risky activities that expose them to multiple lethal situations:  overdose, criminal environments, disease.

This graph screams out for a changes in attitude, policy, and investment in children’s mental health treatment and suicide prevention.  I had no idea that death rates from mental illness could be 3 to 4 times higher than most cancers and leukemia.  It is imperative that young people with mental health issues receive as aggressive and sensitive treatment as is expected and demanded of medical systems that treat cancer in children.

 

Parents: talk about this. Talk to your child; share it on social media; and talk to mental health organizations about what you can do.

The data on mortality rates for mental illnesses was difficult to find, and it required searches in many different medical journals and websites.  I chose to use the data on cancer, leukemia, and diabetes because the mortality rates from these are high and because deaths from all other causes were insignificant by comparison (motor vehicle accidents are the one exception).  In this graph, the death rates for cancer and leukemia are averages for the different forms of each, and in the medical journals they were presented together.

I welcome additions or corrections of this data from any other sources, and encourage readers to investigate this for themselves.

–Margaret

 

Parent to Parent Guidance

Parent to Parent Guidance

Margaret Puckette is a Certified Parent Support Provider, and partners with parents for successfully raising their troubled child, teen, or young adult. She believes parents and families need realistic practical guidance for home and school life, not just information about disorders. Margaret has mentored families for over 20 years. She is an author & speaker, and believes mentally healthy families raise mentally healthy children.

You Can Handle This.

You Can Handle This.

You are not alone. It's no one's fault. Behavior disorders are disabilities! Troubled children need a very different parenting approach than 'normal' kids.

Care for yourself first, then set new goals:
1. Physical and emotional safety for all
2. Acceptance of the way things are
3. Family balance, meet the needs of all
4. One step at a time, one day at a time

Practical Guide for Parents

Practical Guide for Parents

A guide with practical steps for reducing stress at home and successfully raising a troubled child. You use the same proven techniques as mental health and other professionals. It starts by taking care of your wellbeing first, then taking an entirely different approach to parenting.
Amazon $14.99, Kindle $5.99