Category: defiant

Is my teen ‘normal’ crazy or seriously troubled?

Is my teen ‘normal’ crazy or seriously troubled?

photo8A high percentage of teenagers go through a rebellious or crazy phase that is normal for their age and brain development.  The difference between normal teen crazy and truly troubled behavior is when the teenager falls behind his or her peers in multiple key areas.  At a bare minimum, a normal teen should be able to do the following:

  • Attend school and do most school work if they want to;
  • Have and keep a friend or friends their own age who also attend school;
  • Have a maturity level roughly the same as his or her peers;
  • Exercise self-control when he or she wants to;
  • Have basic survival instincts and avoid doing serious harm to themselves, others, or property.

photo5It is normal for teens to be inconsistent, irrational, insensitive to others, self-centered, and childish.  Screaming or swearing is normal–regard this the same as a toddler temper tantrum.  It is a phase that crazy teens grow out of unless something else is holding them back.

This is your challenge:  even teens with mental disorders have challenging  teenage behaviors like those listed above.  How do you tell which is which so you can get help?  Look for pervasive patterns of social and behavioral problems that stand out against their peers, are persistent, and occur most settings.  The patterns repeat and you fear they will become increasingly worse.  It is clear the troubled teen cannot control themselves if they wanted to.

photo2

Some signs of abnormal unsafe* behavior

*Unsafe” means:  there’s a danger of harm to themselves or others, property loss or damage, running away, seeking experiences with significant risk (or easily lured into them), abusing substances, and physical or emotional abuse of others.

  • If a troubled teenager does something unsafe to themselves or others, it is not an experiment, but is impulsive, intentional, and planned.
  • They have a history of intentional unsafe activities.
  • They have or seek the means to do unsafe activities.
  • They talk about or threaten unsafe behavior.
  • There are others who believe there is something abnormal or unsafe about your child.  (e.g., your child’s friend comes forward, their teacher calls, other parents keep their children from your child, or someone checks to see if you’re aware of the nature of his or her behaviors).


photo7How psychologists measure the severity of a child’s behavior 

“Normal” is defined with textual descriptions of behaviors, and these are placed on a spectrum from normal to abnormal (“severe emotional disturbance”).  Below are a few examples of a range of behaviors in different settings.  These descriptions are generalizations and should not be used to predict your child’s treatment needs, but they do offer insight into severity and the need for mental health treatment.

School behaviors

Not serious – This child has occasional problems with a teacher or classmate that are eventually worked out, and usually don’t happen again.

Mildly serious – This child often disobeys school rules but doesn’t harm anyone or property.  Compared to their classmates, they are troublesome or concerning, but not unusually badly behaved.  They are intelligent, but don’t work hard enough to have better grades.

Serious – This child disobeys rules repeatedly, or skips school, or is known to disobey rules outside of school.  They stand out in the crowd as having chronic behavior problems compared to other students and their grades are always poor.

Very serious – This child cannot be in school or they are dangerous in school.  They cannot follow rules or function, even in a special classroom, or they may threaten or hurt others or damage property.  It is feared they will have a difficult future, perhaps ending up in jail or having lifetime problems.

photo6Home behaviors

Not serious – This child is well-behaved most of the time but has occasional problems, which are usually worked out.

Mildly serious – This child has to be watched and reminded often, and needs pushing to follow rules or do chores or homework.  They don’t seem to learn their lessons and are endlessly frustrating.  They can be defiant or manipulative, but their actions aren’t serious enough to merit a strong response.

Serious – This child does not want to follow rules, even reasonable rules.  They take no responsibility for their behavior, which can damage to the home or property, or cause harm to themselves or others.  They bring everyone down.

Very serious – The stress caused by this child means the family cannot manage normally at home even if they work together.  Running away, damaging property, threats of suicide or violence to others, and other behaviors require daily sacrifices from all.  Police are commonly called.

photo9Relationship behaviors

Not serious – The child has and keeps friends their own age, and has healthy friendships with people of different ages, such as with a grandparent or younger neighbor.

Mildly serious – This immature child will argue, tease, bully or harass others, and most schoolmates avoid them. They are quick to have temper tantrums and childish responses to stress that make them “high maintenance.”

Serious – The child has no friends their age, or risky friends, and is manipulative or threatening. They can have violent tendencies, poor judgment, and take dangerous risks with themselves and others.  They don’t care about others’ feelings., and take anger out on others.

Very serious – The child’s behavior is so aggressive verbally or physically that they are almost always overwhelming to be around.  The behaviors are repeated and deliberate, and can lead to verbal or physical violence against others or themselves.

photo1If your child’s behavior falls along the spectrum encompassing Serious to Very Serious behavior, get good mental health treatment for them now and spare them a difficult future.

Pay attention to your gut feelings.

If you’ve been searching for answers and selected this article to read, your suspicions are probably true.  Most parents have good intuition about their child.  If you’re looking for ways to “fix” or change your child… all I can say is that this approach will probably not work.  You may need to work on yourself; you may need to change how you relate to your child or picture your situation.  Regardless, seek help.

photo4Early treatment, while your troubled teenager is young, can prevent a lifetime of problems.  Find a professional who will take time to get to know your child and you and the situation, and who will listen to what you have to say–a teacher, doctor, therapist, or psychiatrist.

–Margaret

Your comments are welcome.

 

–Margaret

Why teens run, and what you can do about it

Why teens run, and what you can do about it

It’s an emotional shock when your teen runs away the first time. Your feelings are complex:  anger at his or her rebelliousness; fear for his or her safety; shame that you may be called a “bad” parent or that your behavior caused your child to run.  Runaway teens also have complex reasons for running, and they may or may not be the parents’ fault.

Why they run

Basic teenage development All teens go through a stage where they define themselves as unique, and start demanding two things: 1. freedom; 2. a say in their life.  These are necessary and important for maturity—some do it gracefully and some don’t.  Even teens with a mental illness will go through this normal phase.

Rebellion Most rebellious teens do not run away because they may have better survival instincts.  If a teen is emotionally behind their peers, using drugs or alcohol, and part of a risky crowd that encourages them and undermines their parents’ authority, it’s likely they’ll run.

Mental disorders Mental health problems magnify any or all negative aspects of rebellion and immaturity.  They also disrupt a teen’s thought patterns and cause irrational ideas and fantasies.  They have a high likelihood of running.

Family stress This is the biggest reason: “65% of youth reported running away because of family conflict.”* Think about what’s going on at home that a teenager can’t handle (they are not as strong as they act).  Is there non-stop fighting between members?  Are they being nagged or constantly criticized, and not shown support or love?  Like all children, teens still deserve support and love.  Are they being bullied, or physically or sexually abused?  *National Runaway Switchboard at 1-800-RUNAWAY

What you might observe that foretells running

  • Changes in behaviors or normal patterns mean something is wrong.
  • Teens who suddenly stop eating or begin to overeat, sleep all day or never sleep, spend all their time with friends, or never want to leave their room.  Sudden mood swings mean teens are unsettled and restless, and they’re not coping well with stress.
  • Outward rebellious behavior is often the start of trouble, but not always.  Inward rebellion is also a problem, such as depression and isolating from their family.
  • Falling grades, truancy, school behavior, and breaking house rules are all symptoms that your child is having problems.
  • Disclosure of intentions to run away.  Some teens will hint that they want to run away and some will outright threaten their family with running.
  • Expressing fantasies that they will ‘divorce’ their family.  Teens often believe they can be legally emancipated before age 18, skip high school and get a GED* and a job, and be free.  A juvenile court judge told me otherwise!  The legal test for emancipation is very restrictive.  *General Educational Development exam–a less valuable substitute for a high school diploma.
  • Accumulation of money and possessions. To survive, runaway teens need resources. Some prepare for their run by saving any money they receive.  They might keep a bag or backpack of clothes and food in the closet to make a quick escape.
  • Risky friends have a very powerful influence on the decision to run away.  Relationships like these almost always include substance abuse.  The risky associates include adults who undermine the parents, and who coach teens how to get away from home. They provide them with cigarettes and drugs, and possibly take advantage of them.
  • Full time access to unmonitored and unrestricted communication, and easy access to transportation, especially a car or an at-risk acquaintance with a car.

What to do if you suspect your teen might run away

“Clearly and calmly let your teen know you are concerned about them, and that their behavior makes you afraid they might run away from home. Invite them to talk with you or someone else about what is troubling them and be supportive of finding positive ways of dealing with their stress.”

Let them know you don’t want them to run away and you’re committed to helping the family work things out, and let them know you are concerned about their safety.

If your teen is intent on running away, give them the phone number of the National Runaway Switchboard* so that they can find safe options while out on their own.”  This does not mean you approve.  A good analogy is informing your kids about contraceptives even though you don’t want them to have sex.  *1-800-RUNAWAY

Give them some facts: Your teen should know the laws, and they should know about youth shelters.  This may help them recognize that you are concerned for their safety… just like you told them.

– – – – – – – – – –

Are you thinking about running away?

Are you worried about staying with a friend and getting your friend or their parents into trouble? Does it matter if you’re reported as a runaway or not? Deciding on whether or not to run away and where to go can be difficult. Here’s what you should know:

  • In most states it is not illegal to run away.
  • If you leave home without permission or stay away longer than you’re supposed to, and you are under the age of 18, your parents can file you as a runaway with the police.
  • If the police find you, you will be taken home or to police headquarters, and your parents will be called to pick you up.
  • If you are staying at a friend’s house or somewhere your parents didn’t give you permission to be, they can face possibly legal consequences.
  • If you are filed as a runaway, your parents can press charges against those allowing you stay with them or abiding you.
  • If you go to a youth shelter, generally they have to contact your parents within a certain amount of time to obtain consent for your stay.  Often, you are allowed to stay only 72 hours (3 days) before you must return home.  This gives you and your parents time to cool off.
  • If you are staying with a friend, in most cases the police are only allowed to do a courtesy check; which means they are not allowed to search your friend’s home without a warrant.
  • It is always best to check with your local non-emergency police hotline or legal aid when it comes to specifics because the law varies.

Hopefully the information listed here answered some of the questions you may have had. If not, you can give us a call and we can help.  1-800-RUNAWAY

(Parent: list the names and addresses of local youth shelters here—not adult shelters)

 – – – – – – – – – –

Get to know their friends and their friends’ parents.  If anyone who knows them is concerned about your child’s safety, they may help you if there’s a problem.  Other parents can keep an eye out for your child as well as their own.

Statistics indicate that most children stay in the same general area that they live in. Some go only as far as a friend or relative.  You must know where and be able to communicate with the responsible adults.

Get to know the at-risk youth

and adults that your teen associates with. “At-risk kids hang out together, they know each other’s stories (true or not), protect each other, and keep parents out of the loop.  What if parents got together too, shared stories, and supported each other?  Everyone has the same goal of protecting their child.  Kids’ unsafe plans and activities are no match for the many eyes and ears (and cleverness and wisdom) of all their parents combined.”  Gang up on your kids: Parent networks for tracking at-risk children

If your teen is staying at a friends’, this may be helpful.  You might negotiate with the parent for a friendly arrangement for ‘shelter’ until things calm down.  If you cannot communicate with this parent, they may be guilty of custodial interference.  This is illegal and should be reported to the police.  More often than known, some parents actively encourage other parents’ children to leave home, as well as provide them with alcohol and drugs.

What to do if they run

Notify the police and file a missing persons report.  If your teen has a mental disorder, bring this up on the call and be specific (he needs to take medications, she has a history of assaulting others, he has threatened suicide, she might be out of control and unable to respond if you shout at her…).

Are you worried that your police report will go on your child’s record?  Don’t.  Even if your child is charged and convicted as a juvenile, his or her record can be expunged (erased) at age 18 with good behavior.

The National Runaway Switchboard at 1-800-RUNAWAY operates a 24-hour confidential hotline for teens and their families. Leave a message with them for your child, www.nrscrisisline.org. They also provides bus tickets to get kids back home to their families

Spread the word among friends and your child’s friends that you reported your child, and ask them to ask your child to call or give a message to you if they see them.  Also spread the word that protecting a runaway is a crime.

Track.  “Friend” your child on Facebook, or find someone who can and will report to you.  Set your computer up to track and store web search history and email.  Search their room.  Get their cell phone contacts if possible, track their GPS location by cell phone, and get every address and phone number of every friend.  All of this is legal.

Investigate.  This is not a situation where you respect your teen’s privacy.  Besides tracking their activities above, drive around and look for them.  Be sure they and their friends see you because then the risky friends will avoid your child.

Check in with your child’s teachers or counselor for any information that might be useful.

Take care of yourself and your other children. This is a difficult time and you don’t have to deal with it alone. Turn to people you know and trust for support. The NRS is available 24 hours every day and offers information and support for parents too.

Ask yourself the hard questions:  Is life at home that bad?  Is there abuse (emotional or physical)?  What changes am I willing to make to reduce my child’s stress at home or at school.

Good news from statistics

  • 85% parents reported that the issues that led the youth to run away were somewhat, mostly, or completely resolved within a month.
  • Most parents reported that their youth used alcohol or other substances less once they returned (68%).
  • Most reported they engaged in physical fights less (64%).
  • Most reported they broke the law less (66%).
  • Of those who ran once, 75% did not leave home again.

Creative things other parents did that worked

True story.  A father made business cards to give to everyone who was ever in contact with his 15-year-old daughter.  It had her photo, contact information, and the message that he and her mother loved (name) and wanted to ensure her safety and appropriate behavior.  He made a point of personally visiting with her friend parents where daughter went.  She hated her dad for this, but never ran again, and every time she visited a friend, the parents always reminded her to call her own parents and report her whereabouts

True story.  Two 13-year-old girlfriends decided it would be fun to run away and party.  During the week they went missing, their frantic mothers collaborated on a ‘full court press’ to notify others and get their daughters back safe and sound.  They printed flyers with photos of their daughters, their phone numbers, and offered a $25 reward, no questions asked.  These were given to the police, posted at school, at youth shelters downtown, and at business hangouts the girls were known to frequent (a mall, a fast food place, a big box retailer).  Both girls were eventually returned safe and sound, and they were really angry.  Apparently, street kids and risky adults spurned the girls because of the flyers, for fear of attracting the attention of law enforcement.

–Margaret

 

Do you have a runaway story?  Please comment on what worked to return your child, or what didn’t work.  Thank you.

Managing defiance: tips and advice

Managing defiance: tips and advice

If you raise a defiant child or teen, this is a most important piece of advice:  take care of yourself, your primary relationships, and the rest of your family. You have a life, and your other children need nurturing.  Schedule regular times for you and the others to relieve tension and do something that takes you out of the home and brings you joy.  The time or expense is worth every bit as much as psychotherapy.

These are typical traits of defiant children.

  • They act younger than they are. Don’t expect them to mature quickly.
  • They live in the here and now, and can’t think about the past or future.  They don’t see how their actions result in a series of consequences.  They can learn sometimes, but only if it is pointed out immediately after an incident.
  • They don’t notice their effect on others.  Sometimes you can ask one of the others how they feel immediately after an incident, or you can gently report how it makes you feel.
  • Their brain is easily overloaded, and they have a hard time with changes.  And yet, you can use this overloading problem to your advantage (more below).
  • They cannot follow your reasoning, so don’t try.
  • Defiance may be a strength in their future. With mature skills, they’ll better resist negative things they’ll face in life.

 

One of the most effective things you can do is control your tone of voice.

Managing defiant children is a balancing act.  If you go too far asserting authority you can draw more resistance, especially if you become emotional.  Your defiant child is very sensitive to a tone of voice that sounds (even a tiny bit) defiant or impatient or angry.

Practice ahead of time

Before you make a request or set a boundary on your child, practice what you will say in advance.  Play the dialogue out in your head—imagine their reaction to your request or rule, and practice that neutral tone of voice.  Remind yourself that you are the authority, and that you are more resolved and persistent than they are.  Your message doesn’t have to be rational or justified.  You may get away with things like, “Because I’m the mommy (or daddy) and I say so”.

Approaches that work

Be a benevolent dictator

Since your home is not a democracy and your child does not run the household, they are not entitled to have all their needs fulfilled or opinions considered.  When they make a demand, thank them for letting you know their opinion, and explain how you will weigh their needs with those of everyone else.  Your child will find your decision completely unfair, but remind yourself that “fair” is not “equal.”   (It’s not desirable to treat everyone and every situation equally.)  Say it’s the best you can do for now.  As their accusations fly, dial back your interest, get busy with something else, and become distracted

Allow some aggression

When it’s appropriate and safe, ask your child to do more of what they’re already doing so that they turn it around and defy you by stopping the behavior. Example: your child refuses to take a direction and throws a book on the floor in anger.

Parent:  “There’s only one book on the floor. Here is another one, now throw this on the floor.”  (Child throws book down.)

“Here’s another one. Throw this down too.”  (Child throws book down.)

“And here’s another book, throw this one down, too.”  (Child becomes frustrated and angry, but stops throwing books in defiance.)

Be a marshmallow

Show no resistance, instead, listen and respond to how they feel, not what they say.  Show them you are open to genuine talk later when the stress dies down.

Teen:  “I hate you, you f- -king b- -ch!”

Parent:  “Sounds like you’re really angry.”

Teen:  “Shut up you stupid wh- -e!  You c – -t!”

Parent:  “Can you tell why me you’re angry so I can do something about it?”

Teen:  “Leave me alone f- -k face!  Stop patronizing me!”

Parent:  “OK, I hear you don’t want me to patronize you, so I won’t.  I feel this is stressful for both of us, so I’d like to take a break and maybe talk about it later.”

Call their bluff

Child:  “I’m going to run away!”

Parent:  “OK, if you do, find a way to call me, and I’ll bring you your stuff and maybe a snack.”  Then walk away.  If they do run and call you, you’ll know where they are.

Reverse psychology

Parent:  “Oh my God, I can’t believe what you’ve done to your hair, that’s horrible!  What are people going to think?  That’s worse than tattoos.  You have to stop this nonsense!”

(One mother used this technique to get her daughter to stop her plans to make a homemade tattoo on her face.  After all, hair grows out, but facial tattoos can be forever.)

Overload their brain circuits

Give your child or teen multiple instructions quickly, and include things they do and don’t want to do.  It becomes too much work for them to sort out what to defy.

Parent:  “Keep up the yelling and close the door on your way out.  And be sure to get louder out there so all the neighbors can hear.  Dinner is at 5:30.”

(What happens?  The door is slammed maybe, but your child is home at 5:30 for dinner.)

Actively ignore

This works best with children 2 through 12.  They try to get a reaction by annoying you or threatening to do something you don’t want them to do.  Stay in the vicinity but don’t respond, look away, and act like you can’t hear them.  Go into another room or outside, for example, and the annoying child will follow you to continue to get your attention with annoying behavior.  If they flip the lights on and off, or ring the doorbell repeatedly, or turn up the volume too loud, maybe you can switch a circuit breaker off and walk away… or if driving, you can pull over, stop the car, and get out and wait.  This article can help with other ideas.  Defying ODD: What it is and ways to manage.

Mix it up

  • Be unpredictable.  Give a reward sometimes but not all the time, and your child will keep trying the good behavior to get the reward.
  • Instead of a consequence, occasionally use bribes to stop a behavior.
  • Allow them to do something they like to do, but within limits of boundaries.
  •  Choose your battles; let your child win unimportant disagreements.
  • Be sneaky on occasion if  (or frankly manipulative) if nothing is working.  For example: suggest you’re considering a very serious consequence that you don’t intend to follow through on.

Have realistic expectations

It’s easy to get stuck in rut—it happens to everyone—but your child is stuck too.  Remember,  it’s not the child’s fault and it’s not your fault.  Your child may not go through life the same as others and may always have problems, but your job is to help them learn from their mistakes the best you can.  This may not happen for many years.  If your child’s condition is serious, they may face serious problems because of their disability, but you’ll know you’ll have honored them, lived your values, and loved unconditionally.

It is heroic to stick it out with your defiant child or teen when you don’t see progress.

Hope

  • They have the ability to do better.
  • With treatment, children improve (e.g. therapy, exercise, medication…).
  • Things usually work out.
  • Help is out there.

–Margaret

How am I doing? Please comment or rate this article.

Defying ODD: what it is, and ways to manage.

Defying ODD: what it is, and ways to manage.

Not only is ODD exhausting, but parents must find the energy and doggedness to be consistent, and the compassion and forgiveness to be nurturing.

ODD is caused by abnormal electrical activity in the brain, it is not in the character or ‘soul’ of your child or teen, and not something they can control.  If your child could do better on their own, they would.  You are the one who can make the most difference.

If you think your child or teen’s defiance is oppositional defiant disorder, you have practical ways to manage your child’s exasperating condition.  This information comes from psychiatric, psychological, and child behavior resources– information to help you work effectively with mental health providers or teachers.  You’ll need to ask them focused questions to learn everything they know about ODD.  Professionals pay better attention to knowledgeable parents (which shouldn’t be the case, all parents deserve attention).  Go in armed with knowledge.

This is what ODD looks like.  The pinkish curving region in the center of the 3-D brain image below represents hyper-charged electrical activity in a 13-year-old boy with severe oppositional defiant disorder.  This feature is typical of ODD, but also typical in individuals with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), “Road Rage,” pathological gambling, chronic pain, and severe PMS.

The name of this region is anterior cingulate gyrus (ACG), and scientists believe this area is responsible for enabling a person to shift attention and think flexibly, traits which are deficient in ODD kids.  It is also the brain region known to regulate emotions.  Children with a hyper-charged ACG have “a pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least 6 months, during which 4 or more of the following are present:

  • Often loses temper
  • Often argues with adults.
  • Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults’ requests or rules.
  • Often deliberately annoys people.
  • Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior.
  • Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others.
  • Is often angry and resentful.
  • Is often spiteful and vindictive.” 

–From the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition,” published by the American Psychiatric Association, 2000.

There are two different medication approaches to ODD:

  • treat it as a form of attention deficit disorder;
  • treat it as form of depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The attention deficit approach may use Straterra (chemical name is atomoxetine), Ritalin (methylphenidate), Risperdal or risperidone (for patients with low IQ), and Depakote or divalproex (a mood stabilizer).  This is not a complete list because new compounds may come into the market.

The depression & obsessive-compulsive approach may use serotonin-based antidepressants such as Prozac (fluoxetine), and Anafranil or clomipramine (used to treat OCD).  Again, this is not a complete list.

Oppositional defiant disorder often includes symptoms from other disorders, so you may be coping with more than defiance.  Below are common disorders that combine with ODD:

  • 50-65% of these children also have ADD or ADHD
  • 35% of these children develop some form of depressive disorder
  • 20% have some form of mood disorder, such as bipolar disorder or anxiety
  • 15% develop some form of personality disorder
  • Many of these children have learning disorders

Anthony Kane, MD 

Other medical conditions that can cause disruptive behavior like ODD:

  1. Neurological disorders from brain injuries, left temporal lobe seizures (these do not cause convulsions, no one can tell these are happening), tumors, and vascular abnormalities
  2. Endocrine system problems such as a hyperactive thyroid
  3. Infections such as encephalitis and post-encephalitis syndromes
  4. Inability to regulate sugar, rapid increases and decreases of blood sugar
  5. Systemic lupus erythematosus, Wilson’s disease
  6. Side-effects of prescription medications:  Corticosteroids (anti-inflammatory and arthritis drugs such as Prednisone);  Beta-agonists (asthma drugs such as Advair and Symbicort)

–From Peters and Josephson.  Psychiatric Times, 2009.

ODD is a disability.  It isn’t easy to manage, but you can do it.  Your child may need multiple medications and a large variety of approaches to therapy and behavior modification.  You will need patience as his or her teachers, doctors, or specialists try different approaches until they discover one that improves your child’s behavior, so hang in there!

Some good news, if your child has these traits, it will be easier to improve or overcome ODD behaviors:

  • A normal IQ
  • A first-born child
  • An affectionate temperament
  • Positive interactions with friends their age
  • Nurturing parents who can consistently set clear behavioral limits

–From the Journal of American Academic Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 2002.  Author J.D. Burke.

People’s natural instincts of parenting do not work with an ODD kid.  They need completely different techniques than normal children. 

How to reduce ODD behaviors

Shield yourself.

First get a shield, then prepare yourself for the intensity of parenting a defiant kid because you are about to run a marathon.  Get enough sleep, maintain your other important relationships (spouse or partner, children, friends), schedule breaks or getaways, and guard your physical and emotional health.  Don’t expect quick results with these techniques; it may take weeks or months… years.

Tips from professionals that may work for you:

Parent Management Training – PMT refers to intensive educational programs that are “evidenced based,” proven to help parents gain the skills they need for extremely difficult children, especially those with ODD.  These programs are intensive, but substantiated interventions in child mental health.  PMTs help parents assert consistency and predictability, and promote pro-social behavior in their child.  A good explanation can be found at the Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders.  Examples include:  the Total Transformation and the Incredible Years.

Find something positive to do together.  Your child has normal needs for closeness and appreciation and joy.  Ask your child about their interests, and if their ideas don’t work for you, try new activities until one brings about a good chemistry between you and your child.

Praise is one of the most powerful tools for managing disruptive behavior.  Make an effort to inject as much positive energy into your relationship with your child or teen.  It’s likely that this relationship has been close to 100% negative, yes?   Caution: don’t expect thanks or joy from your child once they’re praised; it’s not about you.

Set limits – “Consistent limit setting and predictable responses from parents help give children a sense of stability and security.  Children and teens who feel a sense of security regarding the limits of their environment have less need to constantly test it.”  (Webster-Stratton and Hancock)

Active ignoring – This works for best with children between the ages of 2 and 12.  It involves purposefully withdrawing your attention away from your child when they are misbehaving, such as in a temper tantrum, or when whining or sulking, or when making continuous demands or loud complaints, etc.  Pretend you don’t care and even turn your back if possible.  Give attention only after the behavior is over.

Make the behavior uncomfortable for the child/teen.

  • Example:  If your kid swears, test them, “C’mon, you can do better than that, be creative, I’ve heard all those things before.”  They can get frustrated when they aren’t getting the reaction they want from you, and give up.
  • Another example:  Your teen refuses to get out of bed for school.  Don’t nag or repeat, repeat, repeat.  Remove the bed covers and set them far enough away that your child has to get out of bed to retrieve them.  (“Managing Resistance,” John W. Maag, jmaag1@unl.edu)

Give multiple instructions at once, where at least one of the instructions is what they want to do, and one is what you want them to do.  “Close the door while you’re yelling at your sister and don’t forget the light.”  Your child will be overloaded as they try to figure out which thing they’re supposed to defy.  Kids tend to get flustered by the mental effort and comply without knowing they’re doing it. (from “Managing Resistance,” see above)

Reverse psychology:  Yes, this works, and it’s OK when important.  Example:  your child is bouncing on the furniture.  You turn on music and say “hey, try this, see if you can bounce to the beat, it’s harder to do on the floor.”  This is a good kind of manipulation.

Unexpected rewards – Occasionally reward appropriate behavior with something they like.  They are more likely to do a desired behavior if they expect something they want and aren’t sure when it will be offered.

“Why should I have to do this when it’s my kid’s responsibility to behave?”

It’s your responsibility as a parent to do what you can to help your child be successful.  ODD is a genuine disability that negatively affects their life and future.  I’ve seen highly intelligent ODD kids experience academic failure or enough suspensions and expulsions to hold them back a grade.  This is a can’t-win-for-losing path sucks, doesn’t it?

Warning, once you start consistent enforcement, things get worse at first – Defiant behavior will increase once your family system is changing.  This as a good sign—you are regaining your authority!  Your child’s backlash is a common human psychological response, and it’s called an “extinction burst,”  see diagram below.  As parents change their approach to handling inappropriate behavior, the child becomes more defiant to test their resolve.  View this as predictable and plan ahead.  It won’t last, and they will eventually comply with this one rule.  They then find another rule to defy and ramp up their defiance.  As you enforce it, they back off again, and the pattern continues until it’s just not worth it to defy these particular rules anymore.

 

–From “Behavioral Interventions for Children with ADHD,” by Daniel T. Moore, Ph.D., © 2001, http://www.yourfamilyclinic.com/shareware/addbehavior.html .  The author requests a $2 donation through PayPal to distribute his article or receive printed copies.


Tips for effective parenting of an ODD child through adulthood

Don’t treat your home like a democracy, where everything must be fair and equal.  You must be the supreme ruler, the benevolent dictator.  Your child does not have an equal say in how things are done.  Parents must keep their authority and rightful power in the household, and tell their ODD child that they make the important decisions, plus, the decisions may not always seem fair. Tell them you’ll listen to what they have to say but make no promises. Once you’ve made a decision, avoid explaining your reasons when they challenge you. This helps you keep their power, and it limits endless arguments and accusations. As your child ages into adulthood, you must still hang on to your power. The adult child will continue to require limits, and limits will still need enforcement. To a parent, it will feel as if you’re treating your adult offspring as a child. YOU ARE and you should be, and this is the interesting part: they won’t notice.

Don’t blame or belittle your child-–this goes for all children–but a difficult child can bring out the worst in an exhausted parent. It’s easy to think they’re being bad on purpose because they’ll act like it, and show amusement when they’re bad or belittle you. Keep in mind that ODD is no one’s fault, and your child would not choose to have ODD if they understood what it meant.

Don’t ignore your child’s unique needs that have nothing to do with ODD.  They may face bullying at school, lack of sleep, stress from a chaotic home, or other challenges like any other child.

Always enforce rule breaking as immediately after the fact as possible.  Why:  If enforcement comes later or only occasionally, the child does not connect the broken rule with the punishment. Or, they believe they can still get away with breaking a rule and then talk their way out of consequences later.

Don’t let your stress turn into anger directed at your child.

  • They can use this against you by teasing or baiting to get you angry again!
  • You’ll be modeling that anger is an OK response to stress.

Take care of your emotional wellbeing. Check in with yourself if you feel you are losing control. All parents with troubled children need to work extra hard at maintaining a level head. It’s a good skill to have anyway.

Avoid justifying your rules or offering explanations. Children with ODD are not able to reason when they turn defiant. They will only resist harder and use your words to argue more with you. Even if they can understanding your reasoning in a calm moment, this will vanish once they become defiant again.  (What’s interesting is I’ve observed parents trying to reason with young children(4 or 5), too young to be reasonable in the first place, or with young adults (early 20’s) who have a long track record of being unreasonable.

Don’t interpret everything as ODD-defiance.  Some rebelliousness is normal for children, especially if parents are over controlling.

Don’t keep trying the same things that still don’t work.  Like making excuses; like screaming.  (Don’t be embarrassed; we’ve all done this.)

Don’t jump to conclusions that demonize the child.  It hurts you as much as it hurts them. I often hear parents say:  “Why does he keep doing this?, or, “Why doesn’t she stop after I’ve told her not to, over and over again.”  Then they answer their own questions:  “It’s because he always wants his way,” or, “She’s doing this to get back at me.”  As they tell their story, I hear them taking things personally:  “He does this just to make me mad;” “She manipulates the situation because she wants more (something) and I won’t give it to her.”

Good luck with your defiant ODD child.   Hang in there.  I WISH YOU THE BEST!

–Margaret

How am I doing?  Please comment.


 

When is it OK to search a teen’s room?

When is it OK to search a teen’s room?

This is a paraphrase of a question that was posed a few years ago in a support group I facilitated.  It’s a question I had to face more than once.  Now that years have gone by, I still believe this is a good approach when you have a troubled teenager, but some parents may struggle with the issue of trust.

Q: My son is always in his room and gets extremely upset if I go in there.  He says he has a right to privacy.  But I suspect something bad is going on, and want to search his room when he’s not there.  Yet it bothers me that I’d be violating his trust.  Is it OK to search his room?

A:  I advocate searching a troubled child’s room or reading “private” information like email if there is any concern whatsoever that something potentially dangerous is being hidden from a parent.  Since he gets very upset, he may not want you to find something because he knows you’ll disapprove.  Practically speaking, is there a way you can search his room or read email without him (or anyone else) ever finding out?

If he finds out you’ve searched his room, yes, you will lose his trust, and he may go to greater lengths to keep secrets.  But as the responsible adult in the household, you must think not only about your son, yourself, and your family, but about others who may be at risk if your son has really dangerous plans.  The need for safety should include those in contact with your son.  Who else is at risk of violence? criminal changes? substance abuse?

If you find nothing unusual or dangerous on a search, you’ve at least satisfied your rightful need to know.  The first issue is his need for privacy and his fear of losing it.  The second issue is your need for mutual trust.  He will need you someday when he’s in trouble, and his trust is critical.  It’s OK not to tell him if you’ve searched his room.

In dire circumstances, a parent may need put some values aside.

If you find something dangerous, act on it immediately and do not defend your decision or try to talk him into taking responsibility for his actions.  A troubled teen can’t or won’t.  He will either be remorseful and embarrassed, or enraged and threatening.  Regardless, take dangerous materials or actions very seriously because someone’s life could literally be at risk.  Since it’s clear that trust is important to you (as it should be), expect that it may be very long time before your son trusts you if he finds out.  But also remember that, under these serious circumstances, his trust of you may be less important than your trust of him.

Parent to Parent Guidance

Parent to Parent Guidance

Margaret Puckette is a Certified Parent Support Provider, and partners with parents for successfully raising their troubled child, teen, or young adult. She believes parents and families need realistic practical guidance for home and school life, not just information about disorders. Margaret has mentored families for over 20 years. She is an author & speaker, and believes mentally healthy families raise mentally healthy children.

You Can Handle This.

You Can Handle This.

You are not alone. It's no one's fault. Behavior disorders are disabilities! Troubled children need a very different parenting approach than 'normal' kids.

Care for yourself first, then set new goals:
1. Physical and emotional safety for all
2. Acceptance of the way things are
3. Family balance, meet the needs of all
4. One step at a time, one day at a time

Practical Guide for Parents

Practical Guide for Parents

A guide with practical steps for reducing stress at home and successfully raising a troubled child. You use the same proven techniques as mental health and other professionals. It starts by taking care of your wellbeing first, then taking an entirely different approach to parenting.
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